Funny Bone Monday

Happy Funny Bone Monday! Where the jokes are stale, but usually new to me! What else do you need, really? Sit back and enjoy our ride through corporate America.

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This was sent in an email from a friend.

CORPORATE SHAKE-UP

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you'll love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600.00 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,

"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Fun quotes, from a Corporate Humor site:

"An expert is somebody who is more than 50 miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides."

Edwin Meese

"One sure way to the top is to invent scapegoats in the company and lead the charge against them. Ideally the scapegoats should be powerless and funny looking."

Dogbert's Big Book of Business

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About dot com's Political Humor offers some pretty good advice:

Smart Investing

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

And I enjoy the evolution of Corporate Management:

How Corporate Life Evolved

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.

After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result -- all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

Turn off the cold water.

If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one.

The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one.

The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.

The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.

Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced.

Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

Because that's the way we've always done it here!!

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I think these corporate lessons are applicable across the board:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: – “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story : – To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story : – Bulls**t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

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Today's video just cracks me up. This man is a genius. And it's a take off on this song.

Until I write again ...

Flea

Of What Am I Afraid?

Have you ever been so afraid that your throat closes and you can't scream when you need to? That you need to punch or lash out to defend yourself but your limbs are like Jell-o and you can't?

I remember, as a kid, being so afraid that I couldn't scream. I wanted to scream, but I could only squeak. I wanted to lash out, to defend myself, but my arms were limp and ineffective. I don't know, though, why I needed to scream and defend myself. That bothers me.

It wasn't fighting with my brother. I remember fighting with Lil' Bro and beating the snot out of him most of the time. Sorry Lil' Bro. And my best friend, Sheryl, we didn't fight like that.

Y'all ever have this happen as a kid? As an adult? It still scares me sometimes, the thought that I'll be confronted with a purse snatcher and all my best intentions to fight and scream will fail.

I have no clue why I've been thinking about this. It kept me up last night. I just thought I'd share. See if anyone has any insight. Thanks in advance.

Until I write again ...

Flea

Beautiful Things

My Hunny left me this weekend. He took off with another woman. My mother.

And with my brother.

It was horrible.

But he's back! I've taken him in and all is right with the world.

But.

But I'm going to be busy for awhile.

Not only am I still burning baby animals and weaving baskets - oo! Oo! Quick photo of the basket I wove at Marcia's this weekend, with friend Michelle:

Not only that, but I'm wading through boxes of documents, poems, photos, report cards, etc., etc. For instance, I found my uncle's letters from college concerning his probation and suspension. He's a lawyer now, so I figure he got past that hurdle.

I'm surrounded by beautiful things I've only ever seen at my grandmother's. My Hunny? He and my mom and brother drove to Louisiana over the weekend and loaded a giant truck with Mamia's things and brought them home. I'm so proud of my Hunny for stepping in in my place and working hard. He brought home things I thought I'd never see again.

Like this floor vase I've always loved:

And this adorable petrified end table:

Or this pony tail:

I am seriously hoping that it's a doll's pony tail, and not my grandmother's. It was with her baby clothes. Ew. Can you imagine? Having your own baby ponytail in a box for your entire life? EW.

I'm still wading and sorting. Polished some silver today. Placed some really ugly porcelain around the house. Hung some of my grandmother's paintings. This one is my favorite:

Hung the tiny hummingbird in my kitchen where the light will catch it:

All is right with the world. I'm sneezing like crazy because of the dust, but life is good.

Until I write again ...

Flea

Funny Bone Monday

Happy Funny Bone Monday, everyone! I hope you all had a good weekend? Mine was especially good. I made a double wall Cherokee basket at Marcia's (picture coming this week), and drove home via route 66 (again with the pictures later). And my Hunny spent the weekend in Louisiana. Today's humor will reflect a little of everything, I hope!

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A man was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only. The bus stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying a large picnic basket. She stood right in front of the man and grabbed the overhead rail so the picnic basket was above the man's head.

Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her. She quickly declined as she was only going a short distance.

Soon the picnic basket began to leak. The man felt something drop on top of his head. As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down across his lips. He tasted it, looked up at the lady and asked, "Pickles?"

She replied, "No, no, puppies."

:) Found that at Unwind dot com

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I love a good Cajun joke

Tee-Boy was playing with some sticks behind his house when he noticed that the outhouse was leaning over towards the bayou. Being the curious little boy that he was, Tee-Boy got the idea to kick the outhouse really hard. He reared back, gave it the biggest kick that he could, and suddenly that outhouse tipped all the way over and fell into the bayou. Within seconds, the outhouse sank to the bottom of the bayou, and Tee-Boy ran to hide in case if anyone was watching.

Later than day, Tee-Boy's papa approached him and asked if Tee-Boy knew anything about the outhouse. Tee-Boy looked at him and replied, "Papa, just like George Washington, I can not tell a lie. I kicked that outhouse as hard as I could, and the thing sunk straight to the bottom of the bayou." Tee-Boy's papa gave him a stern look and said, "You are going to get it boy! Go and fetch me a good stick out the tree!"

Shocked, Tee-Boy asked, "But Papa, George Washington didn't get into trouble when he told the truth, so why are you going to whip me?" His papa explained, "When George Washington chopped down that cherry tree, his papa wasn't in that tree either!"

I especially love one that hits so close to where I called home

Thibodeaux was driving down the road one day when he saw a beautiful woman standing in the middle of it. Thibodeaux hit the brakes and aksed the woman, "What's wrong Miss?"

The lady explained, "My life is over. Nobody cares about me. I want it all to end, so I'm just praying that someone will run over me on this road."

Thibodeaux begged her, "No Miss. Please don't do that. You are beautiful, obviously smart, and you have a full life ahead of you. I'll tell you what. Jump in my truck and I will sneak you onto the boat I am working on. We are heading to France, so you can hide during the journey and we will slip off together in Europe and live a wonderful life." The lady agreed, and Thibodeaux snuck her onto the boat as promised.

For over three weeks, he fed her three meals a day, brought her water, and romanced her in the life boat after the crew went to bed. Eventually, the captain of the ship caught the lady and asked her, "Miss, why are you hiding down in that cabin?"

The lady explained, "I'm so sorry. One of your crew, Thibodeaux, has been hiding me here, feeding me, and romancing me at night on this whole journey to France."

The captian giggled and told her, "No, no. We're not on our way to France. This is just the Chalmette ferry!"

I found these at Cajun Crawfish Pie

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Mo' better

One day Boudreaux went to the car dealership, he brought his best friend Thibodeaux along. He decide to test drive his new car first. So they were going down I-10 and Boudreaux told Thibodeaux to climb on to the trunk and see if his blinkers worked. So Thibodeaux climbed to the back and Boudreaux said "Check the left one first!," and then he turned it on. Thibodeaux said "Mais, Yes. Mais, No."

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux decided to go fishing one morning at the pond in back of Boudreaux's house. It was dark and when they reached the pond they realized they wanted to cross to the other side. But they couldn't walk around and had no boat or pirogue to cross in. Thibodeaux turned to Boudreaux and said, "Mais Boudreaux, how in the heck we gonna get across." Boudreaux said, "No problem, I'm gonna shine this here flashlight across the water and you gonna walk on the beam of light all the way across." Thibodeaux then says, "Mais, Boudreaux, you must think I'm stupid or something, cause just when I get halfway across you gonna turn off the light."

One day, Boudreaux and Clotile were riding their boat at Bayou Benoit when they hit a sunken log and the boat overturned. Clotile didn't have a life jacket on, and she drowned. The sheriff and a bunch of neighbors came by to try to find her, but they didn't have any luck. A week passed and Thibodeaux knocked on Boudreaux's front door.

"Boudreaux, I have some good news and some bad news for you."

"Give me the bad news first."

"Well, the bad news is that we found Clotile. She drowned. We so sorry for you."

"Well go on, what is the good news?"

"The good new is--when we pull her up, we fill two sacks of big blue point crab."

"Mais, where you put her body?"

"Well, Boudreaux. De first time we did so good with the crabs, we decided to leave her in the water one more day."

That sounds just about right. :)

These were all at Cajun Jokes!

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The video of the day - my grandmother says she was a distant cousin to this man

I just can't help but pop in another ...

Until I write again ...

Flea

He's Magically Delicious

FYI? St. Patrick's Day is coming.

In case you didn't know.

Until I write again ...

Flea

My Morning at the Red Cross

WARNING: IF YOU ARE AT ALL SQUEAMISH ABOUT NEEDLES AND BLOOD, DO NOT READ ANY FARTHER.

I warned you all.

So I gave blood this morning. No, I'm not going to show photos of blood spurting everywhere. As far as I know, that never happens when people give blood. Doesn't happen to me. But I am going to encourage you to find your closest Red Cross donation center and set up an appointment for yourself. The reward? Other than saving a life, you get cookies when you're done! Woot!

First there's a book about 800 pages long that you're required to read. I lie. It took me about two minutes to go through the book. Have I been to Africa? Have I been to the UK? Do I have Mad Cow Disease? Do I have HIV? Growth hormones ever? Stuff. None of which applied to me.

Next they took me into a small room with a glass door and asked a hundred million questions. Things like, are you a female? Okay, just five or six questions, really. I hadn't had coffee yet. Took my pulse and blood pressure, pricked my finger, let me answer a computer questionnaire. Done.

Finally to the blood area. Oh yeah! Sit me in a big, comfy chair. Strap on a loose tourniquet, give me a squishy football to squeeze, find the vein:

... then swab. See?

Gross, huh? I thought she'd never finish swabbing. In fact, I asked if she sang the Happy Birthday song twice in her head while swabbing (like kids do when they brush their teeth?). The answer was no. Dang.

Then she got out the monster needle. I'm not supposed to show you this part, in case you were thinking of giving but needles scare you, but I'm going to anyway. It fascinates me.

Here it is, sucking up my blood:

After my pint was drawn, she took six vials of my blood, I assume for testing, to make sure I'm safe and whatever:

Here's the lovely Shamekia:

She looks like trouble, doesn't she? Like someone who'd be fun to hang out and get into mischief with.

Last but not least, the very best part of giving blood - the cookies! I am very, very sad to say that they no longer give out Little Debbie's Oatmeal Creme Pies. Breaks my heart. These are nearly as good, though:

And the me at the end? Exhausted. I'm going to take a nap!

Until I write again ...

Flea

Blood

So I was going to be a good girl and post a really exciting blurb about giving blood and how everyone should go do it. So? What are you waiting for? Go give blood already.

But my Hunny gave me his stupid cold. I'll be leaving in 15 minutes to have my veins drained. I'll take pictures. Yada yada yada. But I'm less than excited about leaving the house this morning, as much as I love my local vampires.

Stay tuned for photos, y'all. And go give blood.

Until I write again ...

Flea