Monday, February 4, 2008

Is This Thing On?

Bessie here. I have to report on what's happening here. Someone needs to know. Is anyone out there? I really hope you can read this.

For nearly two months now the giants in this house have been moving Fred and myself around. I keep asking Fred to do something, take the bull by the horns. So to speak. But Fred's a load. He refuses to do a thing about it. It's always, "But the food's so yummy!" and "C'mon Bessie! They're just horsing around!" Well, I'm not a horse, thank you very much. So I must take matters into my own hands - er, hooves.

You won't believe the cruelties and injustice to which we've been subjected. The tall one, they call him Oatmeal Head, sneaks in every evening after the giants have ended their "meal" (I call it an abomination, the way they ingest vast quantities of my kind!), and moves us, just as I'm getting settled into my evening nap. The poses he subjects us to are humiliating. I try my best to get his attention, to stop the madness, but he ignores my moos.

As if that weren't bad enough, the rather round one, the one with the bad dye job (sure she was a redhead - once upon a time. Give it up, lady), comes barreling into the kitchen like a house on fire, carrying a large piece of machinery. She points it at us and presses a little button repeatedly, making a clicking sound. She does this for quite some time, sometimes blinding us in the process. It's hours before the flashing light, burned on my retinas, goes away.

Please, someone do something. I can't stand this anymore. It's my understanding that I was here to be pretty (which I think I do very well, unlike the redheaded giant), not to be a side show freak in this circus. Call PETA. Call Cow Protection. Stage an intervention. Just get us out of here, for Pete's sake! You don't necessarily need to get Fred out of here. He seems to think it's all fun and games.

Until I moo again ...

Bessie

18 comments:

jeni said...

Bessie -- Don't worry. I'll send you plane tickets to Florida ASAP. My son loves cows. You will be safe from all the posing and flashes of light. My son has a lot of cow friends for you to play with. We have a Chick-Fil-A close by, and I'm thinkin' with your good looks you can be a STAR and be on their calendar!! Don't let the giants know, especially the redheaded one. This madness has to stop!! :)

kimmy said...

There were only a few commercials taht made me laugh. Honestly, I think we were all too nervous to enjoy them!

There's always next year!

Kimmy

Steph said...

Flea,

I am really from New Orleans. I grew up in Kenner and still have family there. In fact I have been back twick since Katrina. I was there in September of 06 to celebrate my grandparents 60th anniversary and I was there this past September as well for a vacation.

Thanks for the well wishes on the move.

Steph

brneyedgal967 said...

**snort, snort**

Just laughing. I have nothing especially clever or witty to write. This is good stuff. Loving it!!!

Marguerite said...

Bessie, you are always welcome to live with us. I can guarantee that you will never have to worry about being after-dinner entertainment. In fact, you won't have to worry about AFTER dinner at all.

Melissa said...

Oh Bessie, you have such a hard life but you must hang in there. I live vicariously through your travels around Flea's kitchen. Do it for me, please. ;)

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Have nothing witty to say - the Pats loss has sucked the energy right out of my just recently had a "horning" body.

Hallie

The Sports Mama said...

Bessie, while I would love to have you, it would be incredibly dangerous for you here. My house is full of ravenous, so-proud-of-it-they-are-constantly-thinking-of-tasty-new-recipes carnivores.

So while I could guarantee you instant stardom in your very own dinner theater production..... sadly, it would also be your farewell perfomance.

Its probably better to deal with the giant redhead with the instrument of painful flashing lights.

Candace said...

ROFL ... Timothy would be sadly disappointed if you were no longer to star in your own tale. Every time he catches me reading this blog he has to ask if there are anymore cow stories/pictures. He was particularly interested in the one involving projectiles. He wanted more specifics on the type of projectile, whose it was, from what Lego/Bionicle/Barraki/etc. it was from. Hence, I am sure you would not be safe from little giant hands here either.

dlyn said...

Oh poor Bessie - c'mon over to my house darlin - I don't have any cameras here ya know. Nope, nary a one!

Flea said...

Thanks for all the offers to take Bessie in. That sneaky cow, swiping my camera and blogging while I'm asleep! Jeni, I think Bessie would probably like to visit you and Austin, but I'm not letting her out of my sight after this incident. And Marguerite and Sports Mama - not on your life! I'll have to show Bessie your comments and remind her how good she has it here. So Candace, tell Timothy he has nothing to fear. But fear itself. Have fun explaining that. :)

Maybe if I got her a little hay and built a kind of barn in the kitchen ...

Flea said...

And Dlyn, I know better! You're a fantastic photographer. :)

Christine said...

Ah, poor Bessie. I can sympathize. I'm kept hostage by 3 kids and a husband!! Help!!

Lori said...

Bessie,
I was out shopping this past Saturday and saw several magnetic sets like you and Fred! Maybe you could trade him in for a more suitable partner...I saw a Garfield and Odie set! I bet Odie would be dumb enough to fall for the switch....

Lisa said...

HAHAHAHA! Love this post!

Jan Parrish said...

I love the saga of the cows. Could it be a book?

imbeingheldhostage said...

Bessie, have you tried playing Opossum? Maybe they'll go away and leave you alone... Maybe you'd like to come to the UK? I could take you up to Scotland where you'll meet the "Hairy Coos".

Mama Teaching 2 said...

LOL!