Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Hope

First - I'm waaaay behind on reading all of your blogs, and for that I apologize. Doesn't mean I'll get around to catching up, but that I'm just jumping in where I am. Life's short. I love you all very much, but you're all so prolific! I've tried to keep up with at least my bovine babies, but even they are elusive at the moment. Seems they've left Asthma Girl's and are headed through Utah to New York City (git a rope). Looks like they had a fantastic time with AG and the Brute Squad, though. Thanks AG!!!

Warning - I ramble. I'm disconnected and may not make much sense. What else is new? Where did I leave off? Oh yeah. Spiraling downward. Was I really? A friend and I just had a conversation about spiraling in life (hi Nipper!). The theory is that our lives are not circular. I like to think that I'm less like an onion and more like an artichoke. Prickly and tough on the outside, needing a hot steam bath to open me up, a little flavor on the outside (if there's plenty of melted butter!), but the inside is worth getting to. Mmm! Now I want to go buy artichokes.

So I go through this period of what feels amazingly like teenage angst periodically. Like a kid who kicks and digs in the heels and refuses to eat her vegetables. Or go to bed. Or clean her house. Or step away from her computer long enough to remember that there are real live breathing individuals in the same room, waiting for the attention she's giving the little screen and keyboard. I go through it and feel like I've been here before, and why didn't I kick it's butt, Sea Bass? (Anyone know what the heck that means?!) It sure feels like a circle every time I get here.

But it's not. It's Hope calling me and my not responding. Oh, I hear it alright. It cries out, "There's more than this. You're made for more than this. Reality bites, sure. It always will. But you're letting life pass you by because it hurts. Because of the losses and the pain. Because you're not who and where you thought you'd be. Because you're afraid of who you CAN be. Who you want to be. Who you don't think you can be. Get off your sorry butt. Just be already. Live already. Feel the pain. Feel the loss. Stop burying yourself in your computer. Stop pretending you're no one and nothing. Live."

I stop my ears. I tell Hope to go away. That I'm far less a person than it thinks. That it's wrong about me - all wrong. I have lots of proof to back this up. Lots. Tons. And Hope stands at the door and waits, and knocks, and sings to me (it has a horrible voice, meaning it's difficult to ignore), telling me that my heart can't be as hard as all that. That I'm lovely. That the adventure I crave is right in front of me. Now GET OFF MY ASS AND GO AFTER IT.

I hate Hope when it does that. Hope shouldn't use that kind of language, first off. Shame. But it gets my attention. Eventually. It usually takes a third party to really get my attention. Someone who really loves me. And this time, like many others before, Hope used my Hunny. There was a showdown at the OK Corral, and it wasn't pretty. But it WAS good. I've been hiding, people. Hiding from me. And everyone else.

Like I said, I believe life is a spiral, and I've been in this place before. Many times. It's like childbirth - I forget the pain and find myself here again and again. But, like a spiral, I'm another layer in when I get to this place. I've stopped asking, "Wasn't I just here? How did I get myself into this again? Why didn't I learn?" I think that I'm in a different place, a little deeper, but dealing with my particular weaknesses, that they'll never completely go away. The weakness shapes me. I don't like the me that it makes. At the same time, I love that it allows for people close to me to step up and be involved in the reshaping.

I love being involved in people's lives. I think we all like to make a difference to others. But how hard is it to let others shape us, to make that difference? It's brutal for me. I want to be self-sufficient, always giving, never taking. Make that THOROUGHLY DRAINED, 'cuz that's what happens when you give without allowing others to give to you. Why do we get trapped thinking that's good and necessary? It's wrong. WRONG. But it's still REALLY REALLY REALLY hard to let other people pour into me.

I've been reading through the book of Galatians in the Message nearly every day, as well as slowly making my way back though a book called The Allure of Hope. I find that I'm excited about life again. I find that, yes, I'm really screwed up. I find that the things I really long for and long to be? Won't ever really be all I want here on planet earth. But that it shouldn't stop me from being who I am. That the knowledge that life is not a bed of roses has me cowering in fear rather than conquering giants. Time to get up and go.

I'm sorry to ramble so on my first real day back to the blog. Don't know that I can express myself any better than this yet. Still working through stuff, y'know? But glad to be working on it instead of sitting on it. :) Thanks for sticking with me, friends.

Until I write again ...

Flea

14 comments:

asthmagirl said...

Flea,

First, glad you're back... I've missed you! Second, I love hearing your thoughts. It sounds like thoughts we've all had at sometime, wrestling with hope and feeling like the only thing we can count on really ourselves.
I don't have answers for you, but I'm glad that you worry about things the same way I do. I think you're lovely, inside and out!

Nipper said...

Good work, Good Flea! What step will you take to keep you from that particular spiral again?

Today's devotional describes your struggle in terms of individuality (our desire to do things our way) and our personality (the unique Flea that people appreciate and that God loves.) Check it out at: http://www.studylight.org/devos/utm/index.cgi

Casdok said...

I too like to be self-sufficent and know how hard it is to let others in. And it is draining. SO why do we do it?!

Pinky said...

holy moly, Flea!
We could be soul twins.

I spiral round and round and wonder why I forget the lessons.
I wonder why I feel like a teenager at my age.
I wonder why I still feel so hopeless after having felt the pure exuberance of salvation in Christ.
I wonder a lot.
I'm human, and I'm not home, yet.

It's so good to know that I'm not alone.

Keep goin', Flea.
It's worth it. It's a journey, and there's always joy along the way.

Candace said...

WOW! I can relate to all of that. There seems to be a theme lately everywhere I turn. Take account of what you do with your time. A woman on one of my email loops mentioned it on her blog yesterday with a devotional and scripture related to it, it was on Z88.3 this morning, and now you are back with a similar message. ACK!!! Do you think Someone is trying to tell me something?

Debbie in CA : ) said...

Just start dancing my friend. Take life as it comes and be JOYful! Scraps? Make a quilt! Lemons? Get out the glasses and make some lemonade! Fertilizer? Improve the garden and grow some flowers!

You're the only YOU -- Celebrate! I'm thrilled you spilled over . . . now you're lighter on your feet (just right for joy dancing). Take today with a smile . . . take a chance . . . GO FOR IT! I'll be dancing right beside you, sweet one!

Did you hear? REAL is the new "Perfect"!! : D

Daryl said...

Spiral? I dont think I know from spiral .. wildly out of control I know.

And feel free, as if you need permission, to ramble ... vent .. spiral .. whatever .. just dont go away... again

:-Daryl

Snooty Primadona said...

I do know how you're feeling. I think I just drifted along in my life until I discovered my son was on some really bad illegal drugs. Once I finally woke up & began going to Al-Anon in an effort to help him, I purchased two little books from them that have changed my life. "Courage To Change" (which I think must be purchased through Al-Anon) is my favorite and I still read a little passage from it each day. The other book that really helped me put it all in perspective was "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff (And It's All Small Stuff)", which you can get at any book store.

It's amazing how the right written word can put us at ease with ourselves and our lives.

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

I get spiral, but I prefer to think in terms of a tree. You can go down long tangents (limbs) with lots of little choices (leaves), but you can always go back to the core & start again (the trunk) because you have strong roots.

Mamahut said...

Oh my gosh...I could have written the same thing, but it never makes sense when I try to write it. You did a wonderful job explaining how I have been feeling. Thanks. We are going to be fine! Right? Right?!

Silly cows know what they are doing huh?

dlyn said...

Guess that is why God gave us hunnys, huh? Always ready to hear the thoughts running though your brain & heart. :)

The Sports Mama said...

Hope ALWAYS tells me to "Get up off my ass"....

I figured she talked that way because she was REAL, timeless, and adaptable to the world around her.

That, or she's seen the donkey I keep in the garage.

Karen said...

I'll keep you in my prayers. Hope is a good thing, even though sometimes it shows up in clothes we dont' really like.

imbeingheldhostage said...

Aaah, I'm kinda glad you were taking a little break because I was flailing and the guilt of not coming by was killing me. Actually, just today i was thinking how nice it is to have friends that understand when life gets in the way and then you just pick up where you left off. I am sorry that you were away going through this though. And I'm sorry you had to go through a showdown at the ok corral. You know, my email is working again and I'm perfectly happy to email back and forth-- do NOT feel like you need to keep up with my 30 days of blogging hell. Tell Hope I said Hi and I miss her.