Monday, December 22, 2008

Funny Bone Monday, the Holiday Edition

Today's Funnybone Monday brought to you courtesy a co-worker. Whilst you read I'm either a) working, or b) sleeping in a car full of people. Don't worry, I'm not sleeping and driving at the same time. The Hunny's driving. We're heading to Louisiana to enjoy a week of Christmas with my family! One of my favorite things to do all year. :D

So, a few last tips for Christmas and the parties that go with it:

Please print out and carry with you in case you forget what to do.

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows
nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go
next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You cannot find it any
other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in
every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something.
It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy
does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.
Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole
milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating.
The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free.
Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for
long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound
plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas
cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't
budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're
like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see
them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't
like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else
do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from
the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry,
January is just around the corner.


I'll reward you for reading this far with a video:

Merry Christmas everyone! I have my trusty laptop with me, so I won't be totally MIA, but I do plan to enjoy my family. I'm hoping that you're doing the same. Hugs and kisses and Christmas wishes to every one of you!

Until I write again ...



Karen said...

I knew I liked you for a reason. I love the validation to eat at the holidays- guilt-free. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Where did you get a hold of my theory of holiday eating? Thanks for publishing it for other's to see... Eggnog anyone?

Have fun Flea!

Daryl said...

Have fun Flea ..

I am sharing this video with everyone I know .. sent it out with the subject line: Be Afraid

Trisha said...

Thanks for the tips!

Have a super holiday with your family!

Mental P Mama said...

So, I should not put out a crudite plate? Thanks. I feel better already. Travel safely;)

Anonymous said...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE your list! Just Love it!

Be safe on your trip! I'm getting right to work and drinking some egg nog for you... because I'm a good blog friend like that!

Merry Christmas Flea!

Mom Knows Everything said...

I want to wish you and your family and wonderful Christmas!

Jan Parrish said...

LoL. Funny post. Loved the crazy santa's. Have wonderful Christmas! Go see Yes Man if you have a chance.

Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas! and safe traveling.

Snooty Primadona said...

Have a Very Merry Christmas Flea! And be safe!

The video cracked me up.

Anonymous said...

Have a fabulous trip!!

Snooty Primadona said...

By the way, you're featured in my Christmas poem today...