Monday, December 29, 2008

Funny Bone Monday, New Year's Edition

Two thousand and nine is almost here! I'm pulling humor from various sources today, hoping you'll step into the new year with a smile.

Resolutions

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

5. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.

6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

7. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.

8. I am at one with my duality.

9. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.

10. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.


Q: What is the definition of a hangover?

A: The wrath of grapes.

Bad Dream

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'

'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight , as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.

Bill Vaughan
Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.

Jay Leno
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution.

Oscar Wilde
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.

"Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn’t it, of a long line of proven criminals?" -Ogden Nash

There you have it. Happy New Year, everyone!

Until I write again ...

Flea

16 comments:

Ellyn said...

There you go making me snort my morning coffee again. Thanks a lot.

Mental P Mama said...

Amen. To all of it.

Melissa said...

Bwhahaaha! I think a few of those resolutions are going on my list this year!

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year dear Flea!
Love your monkeys, so cute, hope you are doing well!

dlyn said...

I knew there was a reason that I liked Jay Leno :)

Daryl said...

Bwahaaaaha and #6 is my fav or maybe its not

Tammy said...

Happy New Year!

Lori said...

Good stuff! I really like #3...

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

You dont love my worms either???

Hallie :)

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

Those made me giggle. I love the I AM ONE WITH MY DUALITY... **laughing!**

Karen Deborah said...

did you get this before or after you slept? And if Jay Leno is right II should be looking better too. NOT!
My kid took a movie of my FAT I can't laugh, it's not funny it's a disaster! I cook to much...
Has anybody ever really sewed their lips together? How about getting our jaws wired shut or breaking both arms? I'd probably get my toes up there.....
sad it's really sad, do you know any Little Moron jokes?

Jan Parrish said...

I'm tying myself up in knots but am bot getting #10. Great post. Happy New years early!

Karen said...

I love your list of fun. I'll have to adopt a few.

Mayberry Magpie said...

Happy New Year! And wishing you many blessings in 2009.

Coffee Bean said...

LOVE the Jay Leno quote! LOL!

zobabe said...

Very, VERY fun. Thank you for a great pick me up! I'm also glad you're home safe, and that you had a good holiday.
Man, I wish I could have that toffee! Heh..