Funny Bone Monday, Work

Happy Monday, everyone! While I'm sleeping off a weekend of work, I thought I'd hand off some work humor. Some of it may be valuable for those of you caught in an ugly economy, perhaps looking for employment. Just doing every little bit I can to help!

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Things Not To Say at a Job Interview

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.

The lowlights:

• Said he was so well qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent.

• Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

• Brought her large dog to the interview.

• Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.

• Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.

• She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to the music and me at the same time.

• Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.

• Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.

• Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.

• Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.

• Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.

• Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.

• When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.

• Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.

• Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.

• Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.

• Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.

• Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.

• Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.

• While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.

• During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.

• A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.

• An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.

• His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.

• He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.

• He took off his right shoe and sock, opened a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time.

• Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.

• He whistled when the interviewer was talking.

• Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.

• She threw up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened.

• Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.

• Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.

All from this site

Sayings That Should Be On Those Office Inspirational Posters:

• If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
• Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
• Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
• A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
• Plagiarism saves time.
• If at first you don't succeed, try management.
• TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
• Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.(I love this one best)
  
• Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
• Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
• A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
• When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
• INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
• Succeed in spite of management.
• Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

All found here

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Aaaaaand, since I seem to have gotten into the habit of it, a video!



Until I write again ...

Flea