Monday, March 16, 2009

Funny Bone Monday, the St. Patrick's Day Edition

Funny Bone Monday, the St. Patrick's Day edition! Enjoy!

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Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.

"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

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Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."

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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
"I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

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Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!


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Mike lay dying on his bed when his wife Brigid came in to him and asked if there was anything he wanted.

Mike said "Brigid, what is that delicious smell coming from the kitchen?"


And Brigid replied "Oh Mike that is a ham I am baking ."


Mike thought, and said "Brigid, as my dying wish I would love to have some of that ham you're
cooking."

Then Brigid said "Oh Mike, I'm saving that for the wake !!"

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I must have the luck o'the Irish, since I found all of these in one place! Head to Irish Jokes for St. Patrick's Day to read more!

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Just a couple more, for good luck ...

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

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Jimy-Joe went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Jimmy-Joe, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off.

He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"

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And an Irish blessing for good measure ...

Grant me a sense of humor, Lord,
the saving grace to see a joke,
To win some happiness from life,
And pass it on to other folks.

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Those three and more can be found at Irish Jokes & Irish Blessings.

Now! The video of the week!

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!


Isn't JibJab the best?

I'll be out of town all week, so y'all enjoy St. Patty's day for me, 'k?

Until I write again ...

Flea

13 comments:

Robin said...

LOL

Hope you're having a good trip.

Karen said...

Being the mother of boys, the first one just cracks me up. I could see that happening.

asthmagirl said...

You're a hoot Flea!
Have a fun vacation!

Marguerite said...

Wow! Hunny sure is spry at his age. :P

Have a good trip!

Mental P Mama said...

Oh. My. Gawd. Hunny sure has the moves!

Ellyn said...

Loved the jokes this week. I am now in the St. Patricks Day mood.

Maybeline must love that picture of herself. I bet the boys like the skirts too. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to see them cut the cord to your internet connection.

Have a great trip!

williambanzai7 said...

BUGGER OFF YOU BAILOUT BASTARDS
(Bugger Off, Irish Drinking Song)
WilliamBanzai7

HAPPY ST PATRICK'S DAY 2009

Sing along: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbrzZWLu6Qw

Chorus:
So bugger off, you Wall Street bastards bugger off! (Fook Yu!)
Bugger off, you deadbeat bastards bugger off! (Fook Yu!)
Like a herd of bloody swine that refuse to leave the trough
You'll get no more this evening so you bailout bastards bugger off

AIG you've been a lovely bailout zombie, but oh the time does pass.
So don't you all be bettin' the Feds won't kick you in the ass.
You've been a splendid bailout basket case, but enough is enough.
We'd take it very kindly AIG if you'd all just bugger off!

Chorus

Here's to all the bankers and lawyers who've been servin securitized beers,
and puttin up their knoxious greed and their stupid drunken schemes.
So leave your money on their table when you go,
tomorrow you'll have a sorry head and nothin left to show

Chorus

Here's to all them bailout bag ladies who might be waitin with pans in their hands,
and thinkin one of them might make a charmin one night stand.
Please don't be offended girls this song is not for you.
Uncle Sam will be happy to oblige you to get this nasty job through.

Chorus

So Timmy G you've been promisin these bailout bag ladies a night of lovin bliss,
but truth be told your far to drunk on bailout swill to stand up straight and piss.
So give it up you lousy sod you'll not be gettin laid.
and the sooner that you're out the door the sooner Uncle Sam will get repaid.

Chorus

So bugger off, you Wall Street bastards bugger off! (Fook Yu!)
Bugger off, you deadbeat bastards bugger off! (Fook Yu!)
Like a herd of fooking swine that refuse to leave the trough
You'll get no more this evening so you bailout bastards bugger off

Egghead said...

thanks for the laugh today. I love the Jib Jab dance. Fun!

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

Thanks for making my day! Your kids must just love you:)
Have an amazing trip, safe journeys and wonderful visiting,
K

Karen Deborah said...

GREAT POST !!!! funny and loved your video you've really lost weight and your sons, they are a changin.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I so don't believe that you don't want a tail. I bet you're wishing the St. Patty's day fairy brings you one!

Hallie

Tammy said...

Bwahahaha! Thank you and a Happy St.Patrick's day to you! :o)

Karen said...

I loved everyone of those. My husband lived in Ireland for a while and had many tales not to different from your post.