Monday, March 2, 2009

Funny Bone Monday

Welcome to the Marital version of Funny Bone Monday! Today I provide the male perspective, since it's the one I more often relate to. Enjoy!

Post Nuptial Contract
Whereas, the aggrieved party (husband) and the aggrieving party (wife) have been involved in a long standing dispute, and whereas we're tired of arguing over this stuff all the time, and whereas if you'd just listen to me you'd see that I'm right. Therefore come the parties together in a post-nuptial agreement, which I expect you to sign and then there's no need for further discussion.

Clause One: Whereas, there is one correct way to arrange the furniture in the living room, and whereas the husband's back is still sore from last weekend when, after moving the chair into the corner for about half an hour, the wife made him carry it back to where it was in the first place, it is now understood by both parties that the furniture is in the correct arrangement. There is no need ever to move it again.

Clause Two: It seems like the husband just got the Christmas decorations put up and now you want them taken down! So the wife should make up her mind. If the house looks pretty with lights on it, why not leave them up for awhile? The same is true for Halloween decorations, and no, I do not think it looks silly to have the scarecrow out there next to Santa Claus. I think it looks festive.

Clause Three: The wife shouldn't tell the husband that she is fat and then get all upset when he suggests ways to lose weight. The husband is just trying to help, for Pete's sake! And for the record, the husband did NOT say you were fat! YOU said you were fat. All I did was fail to disagree forcefully enough!

Clause Four: Whereas the wife already has like thirty-two thousand pairs of shoes, that's enough. The wife should stop buying clothes for which she doesn't have appropriate shoes.

Clause Five: The wife is allowed one "favorite part" of each movie, and that's it. You can't keep saying "This is my favorite part" in the same movie. And stop asking me what my favorite part is, because the answer is "none." I wanted to watch Die Hard again!

Clause Six: Speaking of movies, for every movie with subtitles that the wife wants to see, the husband is allowed one movie in which there are car chases. And any time a man and a woman on the screen stare at each other without speaking for more than a minute because they're in love but can't bear to talk about it for some reason, the husband is allowed to leave the room.

Clause Seven: Whereas, the wife has made abundant and repeated reference to the supposed "proper" position of the toilet seat lid, and whereas there is no such stated position in the owner's manual, and whereas the family dog needs to be able to get water, for crying out loud, the debate about the toilet seat lid is now over and the subject need never be mentioned again, ever.

Clause Eight: The thermostat is not a toy. The wife has lost her thermostat privileges. From now on, the thermostat will be turned up only on days when the husband is cold.

Clause Nine: The wife may not cut her hair and then wait for the husband to notice it and then get mad when he doesn't. And THEN get mad when he doesn't like the hair cut! Doesn't it make sense that if I notice you got your hair cut, I'm not going to like it?

Clause Ten: It is entirely inappropriate to wake someone up to tell him he is snoring. What's he supposed to do about it when he's AWAKE? And there's no concrete evidence that I snore, anyway. I think you faked that tape recording. If you believe I may be snoring, the proper action is to make sure I am entirely comfortable, and then maybe I'll stop. Instead of digging an elbow into my ribs, try fluffing up my pillow.

Therefore, since the wife is locked in the bedroom and refuses to come out and sign this contract, it is deemed automatically in effect, so now there's nothing more to argue about. What's for dinner?

(found here)

Marital Advice - Take It!

A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

“My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “Are you sure? Why would she do such a thing?”

The man then pleads, “I don’t know why, but I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”

The Rabbi thinks a bit, then says, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke with your wife. I called her and we talked on the phone for 3 hours.
You want my advice?”

“Yes, yes, of course.” said the man.

The Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”

(found here)

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fillwith warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."

(found here)

A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him were walking 200 men in a single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, " Well, the first hearse is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further. "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Could I borrow that dog?"

"Get in line."

(found here)

As if that's not enough, a video!

I know. It has nothing to do with marriage. I just really love this song.

Until I write again ...



Anonymous said...

You're a riot. Took me only have the video to get the song. Does that make me above or below average? Love your new hairdo!

Daryl said...

I am yucking it up here

Ellyn said...

Get in line. HA!!

On a side note. We used to have a cat who 'trained' my husband to put the seat down. She loved all things water. Nothing like having to clean toilet water up from all over the house to help you remember.

Anonymous said...

Ellyn's comment hit too close to home. LOLOL Those were awesome, Flea, especially the song. Thanks! I love Weird Al...

Laura ~Peach~ said...

that would be fluff the pillow and then hold it over his snoring head... right?

Karen Deborah said...

This is a great post, one of your best. The jokes were funny. If I tell them to my husband I'll hear them over and over as he tells everybody for years and years, but they are good jokes so I'm going to tell him. So is that little tiny picture your new hair do? shoulder length? You look purty.
I mailed the baby dress should get some picchas soon.

Karen said...

Clause three is still making me laugh.