Monday, March 9, 2009

Funny Bone Monday

Today, as turn about is fair play, is the wife edition of Funny Bone Monday!

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

(That was found at jokes place)

Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does, when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Father O'Grady.
"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news," replied Mary.
"Well, what is it, Mary?" asked Father O'Grady.
"Well, my husband passed away last night, Father," said Mary.
"Oh, Mary," said the father. "That's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did, Father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?" said the Father.
"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that gun.'"

(found at free jokes)

A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to find her mother gone. She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion.
"What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked.
"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

(again at free jokes)

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be The Man Of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

(This last at entertainment for you)

What fun! And today's video (drum roll, please) ...

Until I write again ...



Laura ~Peach~ said...

ohhhh i so miss the carol burnett show! I love that when i was a kid! I like a couple other of the jokes too but am still holding my sides laughing at tim so I forget which ones! great monday laughs!

Karen said...

The lion one cracks me up. Of course, my MIL is a gem and I can't really relate, but it's funny nonetheless.

Jill of All Trades said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the giggles. I LOVE the Carol Burnett Show, especially with Tim Conway...and did you notice Dick VanDyke on the end. Oh funny, funny, funny.

Anonymous said...

I loved the Carol Burnett show! Tim Conway was a riot... as was Harvey Korman!

"Put down that gun Mary"... what a hoot!

Daryl said...

'You're going to die' is my fav punchline ..

Mom Knows Everything said...

Bwahahaha! Thanks for the laughs! :o)

Warty Mammal said...


Something tells me that even out in the middle of the Kalahari, they have mother-in-law and wife/husband jokes.

Mental P Mama said...

I spit my vitamins out. You are going to die....priceless.

bernthis said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you.. fucking hilarious. oh and Carol Burnett show, I still miss watching it.

Ellyn said...

Mary, put down the gun! Ha!!

Memaw's memories said...

I loved the jokes and especially the Carol Burnette clip. I sent it to all my friends late yesterday. They enjoyed it as well.