Monday, March 30, 2009

Funny Bone Monday

It's spring! At least, it's spring here in Tulsa! And I've just attended a wedding! I hope you enjoy today's version of Funny Bone Monday!

********************************************************
Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

(Found at Jokes About Spring)

*****************************************************************

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'


(Found at Pat's blog)

******************************************************************

Since time immemorial, humor has been used as a buffer to temper emotional situations. Weddings are stirring and poignant occasions. While wedding toasts do make use of emotional words, one could also bring use the following quotes and add that much-needed dash of humor to a wedding toast. Helen Rowland
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- a practice which is still continued.


Anonymous
Marriages are made in heaven. But, again, so are thunder, lightning, tornados and hail.


Ambrose Bierce
Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage.


H. L. Mencken, Prejudices, 1919
To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia -- to mistake an ordinary young man for a Greek god or an ordinary young woman for a goddess.


Erma Bombeck
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.


Anonymous
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.


Anonymous
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married... and she didn't have to hear about how well his Mother cooked.


Jule Renard
Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.


Nick Faldo
We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years.


John Barrymore
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.


(Found at Wedding Toast Jokes)


********************************************************

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.

For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.

He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the rest of the doilies."

*****************

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."

******************

Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next!"

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. ;-)
(OK, it may be poor taste but it made me smile... Lano )

******************

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what am I going to do with the BODY?"

(These all found at Wedding Jokes)


********************************************************




Until I write again ...


Flea

10 comments:

Laura ~Peach~ said...

giggles

asthmagirl said...

I've always loved that song! You're a funny girl this morning!

Mental P Mama said...

Oh these are good ones. Hope you had fun;)

Robin said...

I love Tom Lehrer!!

How was the wedding?

Jeannelle said...

Oh, flea, what a great post for a Monday morning! I love the wedding toast jokes and thanks for introducing me to Tom Lehrer!

Daryl said...

Good giggles .. hope Mr Monkeysuit had fun ..

Ellyn said...

Too funny today, Flea.

TSannie said...

Good guffaws are always, well, good! Thanks!

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

I love the old aunts one!
Hope you have a fabulous week!

zobabe said...

OMG *horrified* and? *hysterical laughter*