Funny Bone Monday, Redneck Style

Welcome back to Funny Bone Monday, Redneck style! Sit back and enjoy the offerings today, folks. I'll be sleeping while you do.

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You might be a redneck if the interveiwer asks, ‘“Did you know that we are a Fortune 500 Company?’” And you answer ‘“What track do y’all sponsor that race at? I ain’t been to that one yet.”

(found here)

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You might be a redneck if your Christmas ornaments are made out of spent shot-gun shells.

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Dexter, Kentucky
My family recently went to a Sam's Club (the Redneck equivalent to a country club), and my son had to go to the bathroom. The bathroom was equipped with commodes that were motion activated and they would flush when you walked into the stall. He went to all four to see if they would all do it, and got really upset because they flushed before he did anything. My daughter, age 4, got scared when it flushed while she was sitting on it. She jumped off while leaving a trail from the toilet to the door as she ran screaming from the stall.

(these from Jeff Foxworthy's site)

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Rednecks don't let friends drive home drunk, they get drunk and ride with them.

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You know you're a redneck when your stair master has an ashtray!

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Q: Why did God invent armadillos?
A: So that rednecks can have 'possum on the half-shell.

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A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy."

The young man handed over his license. Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?"

The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler."

The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"

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You might be a redneck if you have ever been asked to leave a yardsale

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A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life. He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren

...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

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Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

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Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman appear in the driver's rear-view mirror. ''Don't worry!'' says the driver to his friend, ''Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, we'll peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now shove all of the bottles under the front seat! And, let me do all the talking!''

They pull over to the side of the road and the cop walks up to the car. He shines his flashlight into the car and looks at the two drunks. ''Have you been drinking?'' he asks them.

''Oh no Sir,'' replies the driver.

''I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking?'' the cop asks.

''Oh, no sir,'' the drunk answers. ''We haven't had a thing to drink tonight.''

''Well, I've got to ask you,'' says the cop, ''What on earth are those things on your forehead?''

''That's easy, Officer,'' says the drunk. ''You see, we're both alchoholics, and we're on the patch!''

(for more of these gems, head here)

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There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.

He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"

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Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a "Team" truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.

The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your brakes go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you'd do?

About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.

"I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do". The personnel manager says "yes Luke, what is the first thing you'd do?" Luke says, "I'd wake Zek up." The personnel manager replies, "WHAT ! "Why would you wake Zek up ?"

Coos, says Luke, "He ain't never seen no big accident before!"

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At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousin shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

(These were found here) **********************************************************
Hope you all have a great week! For your video amusement, here's Melvin. I don't want him showing up at my house ...



Until I write again ...

Flea