Monday, April 6, 2009

Funny Bone Monday

Today's Funny Bone Monday is rather random, jump started by an email that Oatmeal Head sent to me. I hope you enjoy!

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I heard about this guy who broke into a lion's den at the zoo and got mauled and people were talking about how there should have been better defenses put up to prevent people getting into the cage a friend of mine suggested setting up some kind of deterrent or example, putting some sort of fierce animal in the cage, which would attack anybody who climbed in


(that was here)

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This one was an email from a friend:
The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting , but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center,(placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

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Another from the same friend:

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Boudreaux the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of de audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Boudreaux withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on dis antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch de watch, watch de watch, an' watch de watch ....."The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until they all became totally hypnotized.

Suddenly, the watch slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"CRAP!" hollered the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

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One last one, same friend:

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

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And because it's random Monday: (language is mild PG13)



Until I write again ...


Flea

9 comments:

Flash Stitcher said...

Love the funnies! Darth....he rocks my boat!

asthmagirl said...

I love your funny bone Mondays. The lion's cage is oh so true!

MUD said...

If you could only hear me laughing. This is the funniest start to Monday yet. MUD

Daisy said...

OMG, the hypnotist!!! That's totally disgusting, and I'm laughing out loud!

TSannie said...

Those are too too funny! Thanks for the good laugh!

Daryl said...

Ah good giggles for a gross wet day

Tammy said...

Bwahahahaha!

Brit' Gal Sarah said...

Thanks for the chuckles! Last year we had a kid bring in 6 live very big Tarantula's for show and tell. Needless to say I nearly had a coronary when she brought them in to my office!

Ellyn said...

Hands down, you best FBM to date. The last one was too funny.