Monday, April 20, 2009

Funny Bone Monday

In honor of Red Rocks' malformed ankle bones, today's Funny Bone Monday is devoted to the lowly foot. And it's partner in crime, the shoe! Can I just tell you how tough it was to find clean foot jokes online? There are tons of fetish jokes out there. And videos. Ew. The internet is not a safe place, people.

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The Open Toe Shoe Pledge

Alright Ladies, it's that time of the year again. Just a friendly reminder!! Please raise your big toes and repeat after me: (The Open Toed Shoe Pledge)...

As a member of the Cute Girl Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the Rules when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes:

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow. I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.

If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.

I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him.

I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.

I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

If I have been privy to the magic that is Foot Soup, I will share that knowledge and experience with the non-initiated.

I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet look good.

I will promise if I wear flip flops that I will ensure that they actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.

I will promise to go my local beauty school at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $10 and worth EVERY penny).

I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show signs of wear...nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals... Don't keep this to yourself - pass it on to other sisters.

This lovely pledge found at
jokefile

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Shoe Repair

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

I love this one, found at Clean Jokes, whose motto is, "Clean Jokes for a Dirty World."

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Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks.

From Jokes4All

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What's Funny Bone Monday without a list?

SIGNS YOU HAVE A LEAD FOOT

Your the first person to be put on the FBI's most wanted list just for speeding.

Your friends car pool with you not to save gas but to save time.

You need three states just to go on a joy ride.

You have a suspended drivers license in all 50 states.

When you stop you leave a mile long skid mark.

You married your wife because she had a corvette.

Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is even faster."

You get blisters from your gas pedal.

Your car won't start unless it has 110 octane gas in it.

You get pulled over even when your not speeding just to get a warning not to speed.

You always leave at the last minute but you're never late.

Your friends leave a hour before you do just so you can meet them at the same time.

You don't wear a seatbelt, you wear a crash helmet.

Your speed gauge is stuck in the max speed position.

You can go through three drive thrus at the same time.

There's a radar detector named after you.

Found at Unwind dot com


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Today's video is one I'd never seen before. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.



Until I write again ...

Flea

17 comments:

Robin said...

Hee hee, I love elephant jokes. My 8 year old is discovering them now and my 5 year old is trying to keep up - it's been pretty funny around here lately.

LOVE the chicken feet idea.

Karen said...

The shoe pledge never fails to crack me up. The sad thing is that someone needs to tell me my feet are too ugly for sandals.

Daryl said...

A mani/pedi should be mandatory once sandals are in season

Trisha said...

Hey - I tried the chicken foot thing but they kept getting caught in the zipper!

MUD said...

I always wish to be funny on Monday's but so far fall short of that goal. I love the video about bags. My gfavorite airline story was the time Barb's bag came to us all dented and taped shut. It seems that somewhere in the bowels of one of the baggage lines it fell and broke open. The kind handlers just grabbed a bag full of clothes and filled it up and sent it home. I am thankful that it was her bag and not mine filled with a bunch of panties and bra's that wouldn't fit her. MUD

Debbie in CA : ) said...

I always glean so much useful information from your funny posts.

EEEEEWWWWWW -- I forgot about jellies (never owned a pair myself . . . just not me). I prefer espadrilles with lots of floaty-ribbon ties and a flouncy skirt. NO WHITE SANDALS EVER! (Never wear panty hose either!)

Cute way to remind me that "espadrille weather" is upon us (and I have a cute new red pair I haven't worn yet). : D

Snooty Primadona said...

Let's not forget about wearing sandals that make your feet make farting sounds. Oh, wait. That's just my flat feet on any flat surface, even with very little sweat. Nevermind...

Do they still sell white shoes? Who knew? I've just never worn them because I figured why make my hobbit feet look any bigger than they already are?

Dammit! Now I've got to go file down those dry yellow mounds that have accumulated over the winter.

I really yukked it up watching that video. Funny, funny guy!

Ellyn said...

Burning ducks!! Ha!

MIT Mommy said...

MIT Mommy has some really really awful feet, and I do appreciate your ugly feet recommendations. (Hey, I don't love boots for nothing). Fortunately, my large toenail was recently knocked off (again) in a dancing incident and will therefore spend the summer behind a bandaid. Really, I should be paid to keep that bandaid on.

Don't worry, I won't post any pictures. I promise.

ShaRhonda said...

I love the shoe pledge!

Daisy said...

A pedi at the local beauty school? Why didn't I think of that?! Great idea!

OHmommy said...

Oh my, the shoe pledge was hystercial. If you have a bunch on people from Cleveland checking out your blog tomorrow know that it was me forwarding this post. Very funny.

MaBunny said...

HIyas Flea! I loved this Funny Bone Monday post! Definitely alot safer to look at then Morbid Monday via the Hallisicle. Thanks for the laughs!

asthmagirl said...

The shoe pledge is always full of good advice. Now I just have to follow it!

Jan Parrish said...

Great post. So funny. I want to know where they get a pedicure for only $10. I pay $25 and that's cheap.

Jeannelle said...

Loved the Open Toe Shoe Pledge! I'd not heard of it before.

zobabe said...

Just knowing people think those footy things about other people is why I NEVER wear sandals. As for the lead foot, I desperately want a bumper sticker that says, "If you can read this, I must be parked," but I'm too afraid some cop will pull up behind me and be thoroughly unamused.