Monday, April 27, 2009

Funny Bone Monday

As promised, today is the Lawyer Edition of Funny Bone Monday. Some of you may want to turn away now, as the carnage is rather ... just ew.

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Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

All found at Aha!

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The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

More AHA!

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An honest lawyer

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

Aha

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Legal quotes & quips

When there are too many policemen, there can be no liberty;

When there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace;

When there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice.”

-- Lin Yutang


“Litigation is a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.”

-- Ambrose Bierce

"A country man between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.”

-- Benjamin Franklin


“Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent.”

-- Oscar Wilde


“In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.”

-- Lenny Bruce


“I was never ruined but twice -- once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I gained one.”

-- Voltaire


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The video today really touched me




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Until I write again ...

Flea

8 comments:

Robin said...

That court reporter thing cracks me up all over again each time I see it. Love the video too.

(PS My sis loved the idea, we'll be in touch soon.)

Mental P Mama said...

Perennial favorites;)

Karen said...

I love those real life ones. The stupidity of people always amazes me.

MUD said...

Great Post about people that try to live just above the legal limit. When you and I stumble we still are legal but when a lawyer stumbles he falls into the illegal. a lot. With three law schools within 50 miles (UMKC, KU and Washburn. We have our share and need to have less) In fact if it were not for the Law School, I am pretty sure that Washburn would have been truned into a community college. Those pesky lawyers. MUD

Lori said...

I just love Sesame street! Another favorite of mine is "Meal or No Meal"! Ha!!!

Jeannelle said...

Great lawyer funnies! And, those quotes from actual trials....my goodness, what a hoot.

Loved the video. I must have Bessie watch it.....there was a Bessie the Cow in there!

Warty Mammal said...

Those court record quotes - yikes!

Hope you're doing well and are happy & healthy.

Tammy said...

Bwahahaha!!!