Monday, May 18, 2009

Funny Bone Monday

Today's Funny Bone Monday is the aquatic version! You'll see why when you get to the video. My children tortured me with the video, so I thought I'd pass it on, share the love, blah, blah, blah. Heh. Enjoy!

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• Why are fish so smart?

Because they live in schools.

• What has no beginning, end or middle and touches every continent?

The ocean.

• What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea?

It gets wet.

• What happens when you throw a red rock into the Black Sea?

It sinks to the bottom.

• What fish is the most valuable?

A goldfish.

• Why is it so easy to weigh fish?

They have their own scales.

• What's the best way to catch a fish?

Have someone throw it at you.

• Why did the fish cross the road?

Somebody threw it!

• What sea animal can be adjusted to play music?

The tune-a fish!


• What happens when you cross
a great
white shark with a cow?

I don't know...
but I wouldn't want to milk it.

• How do you shoot a blue shark?

With a blue shark spear gun.

• How do you shoot a great white shark?

Hold his nose until he turns blue and then you shoot him with a blue shark spear gun.

• If they made a movie starring the Loch Ness monster and the great white shark from Jaws, what would the movie be called?

Loch Jaws.

• What is purple and lives in the sea and weighs 5000 pounds?

Moby Plum.

• Why are manatees so wrinkled?

Did you ever tried to iron one?

• What's green and squishy and spends a lot of time underwater?

An avocado with an aqua lung.

• What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck!

• What do you get when you graduate from scuba diving school?

A deep-loma.

• There was a sea scout camp near a beach where the porpoises were so friendly they swam into shore at dinner time. The chef used to announce dinner by yelling: "Dinner! For all in tents...and porpoises."

These arrived via Fish Jokes and Riddles!


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From one of my favorite joke sites:

Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon!

Where do little fishes go every morning?
To plaice school!

What fish goes up the river at 100mph?
A motor pike!

How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?
He prawned everything!

1st kipper: 'Smoking's bad for you'
2nd kipper: 'It's OK, I've been cured'

What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather?
Skate!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh!

What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours?
A hermit crab!

What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
As far away as possible!

Why did the whale cross the road?
To get to the other tide!


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Tunes you thought you knew, from Fish Jokes:

Sea Eeled With A Kiss
Sealed With A Kiss
Mister Sand Dab
That's a Moray
Clam Every Mountain
A Barracuda Beautiful
It Haddock Be You
Sturgeon, Sturgeon For My Baby
I Need Kelp
When You Fish Upon A Star
When You Wish Upon A Starfish
Shark! the Herald Angels Sing
Fiddler Crab On The Roof
I Loves You, Porgy
You Walrus Hurt The One You Love
Sole Train
Heart And Sole
Carp and Sole
Bernie's Tuna
Blue Monkfish
Zing! Went the Strings of My Carp
My Foolish Carp
Salmon Janet Evening
Nearer My Cod To Thee
This Scampi Love
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat
Oyster Parade


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Had enough? Too bad! Here are some from Carlyle Lake!

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious now.
The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said: "Well?"
"Well, What?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" the man asked.

Submitted by: Les

David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.

The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."

David thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.

The next day, David returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked David, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"

"Well, I can, but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."

"Hmm," thought David. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try.

On the third day, David still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right. David wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"

"No, I am a Rabbi." replied the man.

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One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!" The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer. "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said. "And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!" Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

Submitted by: Gary Reinhardt


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The finale! Today's instrument of torture! The VIDEO!!!



Until I write again ...

Flea

11 comments:

imbeingheldhostage said...

HAH! you can't torture me, I've already been there-- my kids are great "Chaaarlieeee" fans :-/

The fish jokes, I think I'll print for J2, that's his kind of stuff to share with anyone who is breathing.

Mental P Mama said...

You had me hooked at manatee;)

Marguerite said...

Flea, did you know there's something WRONG with your kids? :P

I've got to find a copy of that Dr. Demento fish song.... not Fish Heads.

Daryl said...

Laughing AND groaning .. and wondering where you get the time to keep changing up your header!

Jeannelle said...

"Loch Jaws".....love it! Oh, to be so clever.

Leenie said...

Okay, I'm sneakin' a peek at the weekend blogs while I am waiting for a job to print out at work. Now I don't dare watch the video here in the office. Trying not to LOL at the jokes. Will have to finish this one on my own time. Made me smile! Check out F&B's lost sisters on my site.

Leenie said...

At home now. I just wasted 6 minutes of my life for a pointy headed horse and a singing Capricorn!??? At least it wasn't Homestar Runner or Robot Chicken. and it DID have fish....

Ellyn said...

Oh goodie. FBM! And fish humor to boot. Can't beat that.

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asthmagirl said...

I liked the one about the pet fish!

zobabe said...

Whoa..some real groaners there! Some great ones, too. What the heck is up with that unicorn? I'm guessing it's Adult Swim... never heard of Chaaaarlieeeee before. LOL