A: Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
A #1: Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
A #2: The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
A #3: The grip.
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
HOW TO SING THE BLUES
A Primer for Beginners
A Primer for Beginners
emendations by Martha Beth Lewis
Most Blues begin with "Woke up this mornin'."
It is usually bad to start the Blues with "Got a good woman" unless you stick something mean in the next line. Example: "Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town."
Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something else that rhymes. Sort of. Example: "Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town...oh, yeah!...Got me a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and he weigh 'bout 500 pound."
Blues cars are Chevys, Cadillacs, and broke down trucks circa 1957.
Other acceptable Blues transportation are a Greyhound bus or a "southbound train." Note: A BMW, Lexus, Mercedes, mini-van, or sport utility vehicle is NOT a Blues car.
"Walkin' " plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does "fixin' to die" and "findin' a good woman."
Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Only adults sing the Blues.
Adulthood, when it comes to the Blues, means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
You can have the Blues in New York City or Los Angeles but not in New Haven or Phoenix. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a minor depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues, but Abilene, Mobile, and New Orleans are ok in a pinch.
The following colors do NOT belong in the Blues: antique violet, champagne, mauve, taupe, and peach.
Blues is not a matter of color, however. Tiger Woods can't sing the blues; Sonny Liston can.
You can't have the Blues in an office building or a shopping mall; the lighting is all wrong. Other bad places for the Blues: Kmart, gallery openings, and the supermarket.
Good places for the Blues: a jail house, your mama's back porch, beside the highway, bottom of a rot-gut whiskey glass, or a solitary room in a fleabag hotel.
No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit or anything by Ralph Lauren.
Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
· your first name is a southern state. Example: Georgia
· you're blind
· you shot a man in Memphis.
· you're deaf
· anyone in your family drives a BMW
· you have a trust fund.
Yanni, Julio Iglesias, and Barbara Streisand may not sing the Blues. Ever.
If you ask for water and your baby gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other Blues beverages are:
· malt liquor
· Irish whiskey
· muddy water
. Thunderbird wine
· one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer. At the same time.
Blues beverages are NOT:
· a mai-tai
· a glass of Chardonnay
· a Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is also a Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room.
It is NOT a Blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.
Some Blues Names for women: Sadie, Louise, Bessie, and Baby.
Women's names which are NOT Blues names: Heather, Jennifer, Emily, and Alexandra.
Some Blues Names for men: Joe, Willie, Joe Willie, Hank, and Po' Boy.
Men's names which are NOT Blues names: Geoffrey, Damian, and Keith.
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will NOT be permitted to sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
Need a Blues Name? Try this mix and match starter kit.
· name of physical infirmity (Blind, Asthmatic, etc.) or character flaw (Dishonest, Low Down, etc.)
· or substitute name of a fruit (Lemon, Fig, Persimmon); or use first -and- fruit names
· finish with the last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Examples: Low Down Persimmon Johnson; One-Handed Fig Fillmore.
Need a Blues instrument? Play one or more of the following and alternate with husky voice riffs:
· pie-anner (in need of tuning)
-Now- you're ready to sing the Blues! Unless you own a computer.
Do-It-Yourself Country Western Song Kit
(1) at a hoedown
on the highway
at a truckstop
down in Memphis
close to Nashville
(3) the purple dress
those Wal-Mart boots
that fuzzy hat
that Mozart wig
(4) sobbin' at the tollbooth
drinkin' Dr. Pepper
crawlin' in the swampgrass
playin' minor triads
(5)in the twilight
by the off-ramp
with her shoes off
near the dance hall
(6)no guy would ever love her more.
she'd bought her dentures in a store.
that she was rotten to the core.
that she'd never use a score.
(7) I promised her I'd
I yodeled that I'd
She asked me if I'd
I'll swear off meat and
(8) stay with her
knew deep down
wear red socks
(9) our love would never die.
there was no other guy.
she'd have a ham on rye.
that weddings made her cry.
(10) run off
(11) with my best friend
in the choir room
in my Edsel
(12) You'd think at least that she'd have said
I never had the chance to say
She sent a hired thug to say
I now can kiss my credit cards
My sole inspiration is a telephone call from a producer.
- Cole Porter
Don't bother to look. I've composed all this already.
- Gustav Mahler, to Bruno Walter, who had stopped to admire mountain scenery in rural Austria.
I would rather play "Chiquita Banana" and have my swimming pool than play Bach and starve.
- Xavier Cugat
[Musicians] talk of nothing but money and jobs. Give me businessmen every time. They really are interested in music and art.
- Jean Sibelius, explaining why he rarely invited musicians to his home.
The amount of money one needs is terrifying.
- Ludwig van Beethoven
Only become a musician if there is absolutely no other way you can make a living.
- Kirke Mecham, on his life as a composer
I am not handsome, but when women hear me play, they come crawling to my feet.
- Niccolo Paganini
Of course I'm ambitious. What's wrong with that? Otherwise you sleep all day.
- Ringo Starr
Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that each of you bought two or three seats.
- Victor Borge, playing to a half-filled house in Flint, Mich.
If one hears bad music, it is one's duty to drown it by one's conversation.
- Oscar Wilde
Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together.
- Mel Brooks
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
- Mark Twain
God tells me how the music should sound, but you stand in the way.
- Arturo Toscanini to a trumpet player