Monday, June 22, 2009

Funny Bone Monday

Welcome to Funny Bone Monday, the Underwear Edition!

Today's entry will be just a little different. Searching for underwear humor online is a little ... unnerving at best. So I'm playing around with the post a bit.

Quick addition! The Evil Sister sent me this photo:

Looking for something different to wear? Fond of your eggs and broccoli, but no one else is? Try these, the Anti-Flatulence Panties! Yes. They are real.

The Underwear Observer is worth the time to check out! There's much more undie humor where this came from, including the 10 Worst Places to Be Caught Without Clean Undies.

Like it our not, this is our top 10 undie DONTs for this summer. If you find yourself falling into one or, dare I say it, more categories below, please please take a look at our Fit & Size Guide to find out what size is right for you.These are crimes no underwear-wearing human should commit.

1. Bunchy Butt

There’s nothing more uncomfortable than wearing underwear that’s baggier than your pants. It twists, bunches, rides up and sags. And we don’t want to see it either. If you decide to wear leggings, for heaven’s sake please wear something with a slimmer cut to avoid looking like a Shar Pei.

2. Strappy backs

Two straps are okay. Four straps are okay. Anything more is ridiculous. Black bra, pink tank, green tank, orange tank- the straps alone look like a blend of everyone’s thoughts at a Grateful Dead concert. If you’re going to sport more than one shirt, wear a strapless bra. Just thinking of all those straps is distracting me from my work.

3. Flyaway butt cheek

The beginning of summer doesn’t mean the end of blustery days. And less clothing does not mean less underwear. Short skirt + thong + wind = flyaway butt cheeks. You never know when a gust of wind will kick your skirt high into the air. Prepare yourself with undies that are cute, clean and cover your bum!

4. High rise

High-rises are great for New York apartments and South Beach condos, not as accessories for low-rise jeans. There is no reason to wear granny panties that rise 9 inches above your waistband. It is a waste of fabric and looks ridiculous.

5. T-back-a-saurus

What’s worse than too much underwear hanging out of your pants? What about too little? I don’t know one human being who enjoys seeing thongs hanging out of girls’ pants. It’s rude, embarrassing and completely avoidable with the correct pair of low-rise panties. Let’s all do our part to make sure the t-back-a-saurus gets extinct this summer.

6. Color crimes

Bras and underwear can be quite fashionable, but there is a time and place to show them off. Under white shirts and pants is not the appropriate place to wear your bright purple and orange lingerie. If there is one rule you remember all summer, let it be that white garments = nude undergarments.

7. Do your boobs hang low?

Do you boobs hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Can you throw them over o’er your shoulder like a continental soldier? Do your boobs hang low? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you need to buy a better bra (or put one on to begin with). Ladies, if you are well–endowed, A BIKINI TOP DOES NOT COUNT AS A BRA. Nothing is more disgusting to see in the hot summer months than a pair of knockers blowing with the breeze.

8. Bra tan lines

The female farmer’s tan grosses me out like no other. It brings back memories of summer fun ruined by sports bras and two-a-days. Unless you work outside all day, every day, there is no excuse for bra tan lines. Look people, if you refuse to wear a bra that properly fits under your clothing, wear sunscreen. What is the point of an uneven tan?

9. Emergency underwear bathing suit

Swimwear is typically fabricated from materials such as nylon, Lycra, spandex etc. Why? Because these fabrics are resilient when wet and are quick to dry. Do you think your cotton underpants are going to have the same properties after jumping into a pool? Skivvies by land and suits by sea. Unless you are going for the sewer-dweller look, I’d steer clear of this situation.

10. Poopty peupty pants

Saggy, baggy and vomitous, OH MY! Do you realize that when you wear underwear six sizes too big, it looks like a diaper? We don’t want to hear the comfort argument because there’s no way a saggy butt can feel pleasant. You need to accept Goldilocks’ reasoning and refuse the too big and too small by going for something that fits just right.

It’s not too late - go out and get yourself a fresh pair!

Head to The Underwear Observer for more!

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, I've got good news and bad news. First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear.The troops start cheering wildly. Now the bad news, continues the Sarge. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy . . .

This blonde walks into La Senza and buys a new bra and a little thong. The man behind the counter tells her that, if she'd like, they could stitch her name or something onto it. She says she would like them to write, "If your reading this, your standing too darn close!" the man says that will be fine and asks what kind of writing she would like, she answers "Braille".

A site with men's underwear humor? Say it ain't so!

One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!” His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. “What the heck is this?” he said to himself as a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. ‘April,’ he hollered into the bathroom, “Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?! She replied with a snicker, “It’s not talcum powder honey… it’s Miracle Grow!”

(I got this one in an email this week)

You might be a redneck if your wife wears the same underwear as you do.

Get ready to put on your Big Girl Panties! Thanks to Karen Deborah for the link on this one!

Have a great week, everybody! Make sure you're wearing clean undies!

Until I write again ...



Daryl said...

As always on Monday your blog is my fav place to stop and have a good laff

Anonymous said...

Ha! Those made me laugh!

Krista said...

Hi Flea! I should have told you about my post about Underwear Day. There is really an Underwear Day. Here's my link: I thought you may get a chuckle out of it.

Ellyn said...

Anti-flatulence undies though. Um. Wow. Who buys this stuff?

Snooty Primadona said...

Funny Suff! I had to tell the hubby about the anti-flatulence undies and he wants to know where we can buy some (for me). I hee-hawed all the way through...

Jeannelle said...

Great post, Flea! Happy to admit that I'm stuck in a 70's time-warp. Fun video, too! I've never heard of Siser Myotis before....she's a riot.

imbeingheldhostage said...

29.95 for anti-fart panties... who would've guessed? (yes, I did go to the website-- I couldn't believe it was true!)

Robin said...

Ok, those anti-flatulence panties are just plain scary.