2. Strappy backs
Two straps are okay. Four straps are okay. Anything more is ridiculous. Black bra, pink tank, green tank, orange tank- the straps alone look like a blend of everyone’s thoughts at a Grateful Dead concert. If you’re going to sport more than one shirt, wear a strapless bra. Just thinking of all those straps is distracting me from my work.
3. Flyaway butt cheek
The beginning of summer doesn’t mean the end of blustery days. And less clothing does not mean less underwear. Short skirt + thong + wind = flyaway butt cheeks. You never know when a gust of wind will kick your skirt high into the air. Prepare yourself with undies that are cute, clean and cover your bum!
4. High rise
High-rises are great for New York apartments and South Beach condos, not as accessories for low-rise jeans. There is no reason to wear granny panties that rise 9 inches above your waistband. It is a waste of fabric and looks ridiculous.
What’s worse than too much underwear hanging out of your pants? What about too little? I don’t know one human being who enjoys seeing thongs hanging out of girls’ pants. It’s rude, embarrassing and completely avoidable with the correct pair of low-rise panties. Let’s all do our part to make sure the t-back-a-saurus gets extinct this summer.
6. Color crimes
Bras and underwear can be quite fashionable, but there is a time and place to show them off. Under white shirts and pants is not the appropriate place to wear your bright purple and orange lingerie. If there is one rule you remember all summer, let it be that white garments = nude undergarments.
7. Do your boobs hang low?
Do you boobs hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Can you throw them over o’er your shoulder like a continental soldier? Do your boobs hang low? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you need to buy a better bra (or put one on to begin with). Ladies, if you are well–endowed, A BIKINI TOP DOES NOT COUNT AS A BRA. Nothing is more disgusting to see in the hot summer months than a pair of knockers blowing with the breeze.
8. Bra tan lines
The female farmer’s tan grosses me out like no other. It brings back memories of summer fun ruined by sports bras and two-a-days. Unless you work outside all day, every day, there is no excuse for bra tan lines. Look people, if you refuse to wear a bra that properly fits under your clothing, wear sunscreen. What is the point of an uneven tan?
9. Emergency underwear bathing suit
Swimwear is typically fabricated from materials such as nylon, Lycra, spandex etc. Why? Because these fabrics are resilient when wet and are quick to dry. Do you think your cotton underpants are going to have the same properties after jumping into a pool? Skivvies by land and suits by sea. Unless you are going for the sewer-dweller look, I’d steer clear of this situation.
10. Poopty peupty pants
Saggy, baggy and vomitous, OH MY! Do you realize that when you wear underwear six sizes too big, it looks like a diaper? We don’t want to hear the comfort argument because there’s no way a saggy butt can feel pleasant. You need to accept Goldilocks’ reasoning and refuse the too big and too small by going for something that fits just right.
It’s not too late - go out and get yourself a fresh pair!