If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff, eats your food,
uses your telephone, takes your money
and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free...
...You either married it or gave birth to it.
Top 10 Signs That Your New Baby Is A Pirate
These are from a fun parenting site!
He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & died.
"All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?"
"Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a blonde who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect blonde? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect blonde. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
Wife: I clean the toilet seat.............
Husband: how does it help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush!!!!
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"
Gran replies 'The heck with your pills ! Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen ?!'
After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
Equal But Different
"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose.You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.
3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
Murphy's Law for Parents
1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leakproof thermoses will.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.
You Know No One Loves You If ...
The pet cat got better food than you did.
- Your parents told you about strange men giving away sweets and to go and find as many of them as possible.
- You play "hide & seek" with your Mother and she hides in another town.
- Your parents take you to an orphanage and tell you to mingle.
- Your parents told you about the magic money box in the cupboard where you can hide your pocket money, and - you've since found out it was the coin-op electric meter.
- You had to share your sandbox with the cat.
- You always got your weekly allowance in Traveler's Checks.
- Your folks threw a "going-into-the-Army" party when you were only three years old.
- You run away, and the family can't give the Police an accurate description.
- You kept getting left beside the monkey enclosure at the zoo.
- You were always stood-up at the Father-Son banquet held at the local Church.
- Kidnappers send back a piece of your ear and your parents demand more proof before they pay any ransom.
- When you were born, your Father gave out old cigar butts.
- Your parents encourage you to fish in shark infested waters.
- As a baby, your Father threw you in the air and walked away.
- You find out your Mother is nursing another baby on the side.
- Your tub toys included a toaster shaped like a rubber duck.
These were all found at unwind dot com - it's only a fraction of some pretty funny stuff
Okay. Those are some keepers;) I like the worm one....
That poor family on the family feud. Snow! Har!
The sides the family made me LOL. :D
The LSD thing? Thats so awesome! And you do this EVERY week? I love this blog!
Oh my goodness, some funny stuff.. Thanks for sharing! I'd love to win the window thingy!!
You mean there isn't a dragon in the kitchen?!
"Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms." Iabout spit on the keyboard again. Great jokes today!!
Thanks, Flea! These are good for many laughs, even on a Tuesday morning!
those stickers: I'd have to have a couple of rabbits, since we don't have dogs or cats. My bad; my allergies.
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