Funny Bone Monday

Welcome to Funny Bone Monday, the church edition! A good friend of mine sent me a list of humorous church bulletins and thought they'd make a good Monday post. So hey! Why not?

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This first is from the Church Humor site:

You Know It's a Bad Church Meeting When:

1. The church loudmouth rises to his feet and announces dramatically, "I can no longer remain silent.."

2. Mike Wallace and the 60 Minutes crew are there to film it.

3. Your picture ends up on a milk carton.

4. People arrive at meeting, clutching copies of books about "spiritual abuse."

5. The church constitution suddenly becomes revered as the most important legal document since the Magna Charta.

6. The little blue-haired lady who's in charge of the nursery pounds the lectern with her shoe and screams, "We will bury you!"

7. The next day your spouse books a one-way flight out of the state and doesn't invite you to come along.

8. Your neighbors hear about the meeting on their police scanners.

9. A loyal supporter presses a can of Mace into your hands.

10. Another loyal supporter presses a can of Coors into your hands.

11. Another loyal supporter presses Jack Kevorkian's business card into your hands.

12. You're asked to try on a pair of bloody gloves.

13. People begin referring to you as "our former pastor."

And this one made me laugh ... and wince (and be glad for Glornak the Destroyer)

Top Ten Things People Won't Say When Spotting a Christian Bumper Sticker on Your Car

<10.>

9. "Don't worry, Billy, those people are Christians -- they must have a good reason for driving 90 miles an hour.

>8. "What a joy to be sharing the highway with another car of Spirit-filled brothers and sisters."

7. "Isn't it wonderful how God blessed that Christian couple with a brand-new BMW?"

6. "Dad, how come people who drive like that don't get thrown in jail?" ">"Dad, can we get a bumper sticker like that, too?"

5. "Stay clear of those folks, Martha. If they get raptured, that car's gonna be all over the road!"

4. "Oh, look! That Christian woman is getting a chance to share Jesus with a police officer."

3. "No, that's not garbage coming out of their windows, Bert -- it's probably gospel tracts for the road workers."

2. "Oh, boy, we're in trouble now! We just rear-ended one of God's cars."

1. "Quick, Alice, honk the horn or they won't know that we love Jesus!"

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The Sinful City

A minister prayed to God in turmoil over the sinful state of his city, "Lord, most of the people in the city have no interest in following you. And the rest of us are having a hard time holding on!"

God heard the prayer and sent down an angel to investigate the claim. Later the angel reported back that, indeed, things were much worse that the minister indicated. 99% of the city was more sinful than Sodom and Gomorrah, and the remaining faithful 1% were strugling.

God considered what to do for those who were staying true to the faith. Finally God decided to send a letter of encouragement to the faithful few.

And do you know what the letter said?

Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like to read my copy?

Near Perfect Attendance

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90 I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me ..... and I don't want to remind Him."

[Courtesy of Christiaan A. Brugman, Albemarle Road Presbyterian Church, Charlotte, NC]

Actual Announcements From Church Bulletins

• Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
• Thursday night -- Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
• Wednesday, the Ladies' Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
• Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
• The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
• Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice

Found those here

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Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

It seems that A CANNIBAL TRIBE CAPTURED 3 MISSIONARIES: A Southern Baptist, an Indepenent Baptist, and an American Baptist.

The chief told them the only way they could avoid death was by passing a trial. Not having any other choice, they all agreed.

The chief told them the first part of the trial was to go out and bring back 10 pieces of the same fruit. The Southern Baptist came back with 10 apples. The chief told him he had to swallow all 10 pieces whole without uttering a sound or changing expression. The first apple went down, but the Southern Baptist choked on the second and they killed him.

The Independent Baptist came back with 10 berries. The chief gave him the same orders . . . . 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-, then he "busted out" laughing and they killed him. The Southern Baptist missionary and the Independent Baptist missionary met in heaven.

The Southern Baptist turned to the Independent Baptist and said, "You almost made it, Brother. Why did you laugh?" The Independent Baptist said, "I couldn't help it. I saw the American Baptist coming back with an arm load of pineapples."

The Golden Phones

It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. He went to a very large church and began taking photographs, etc.

He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.

He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Atlanta, and on around the United States, he finds more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents."

Fascinated, he requests to talk to the pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

<The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course, it's a local call from here."

I harvested them here

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Today's video?

Until I write again ...

Flea