Funny Bone Monday

Welcome to Funny Bone Monday, the Hospital Edition! I have a story to tell, before we get to the jokes.

Saturday night we had a patient who hadn't slept for a couple of days. She was melting down - going into a third night with zero sleep will do that to a person - and I wound up taking her to the ER and staying with her till my shift was over. It was so much fun. Really. It was an adventure! I love a good adventure.

Because of my job, I can't tell you anything about the patient or her time at the ER, but I can tell you about the man with the scratched knee. Seemed to be there for his knee, which was running blood. He was up, walking around. And he was surrounded by ... women. Skanky looking women. In tight clothes. In short clothes. Most of them not attractive. Six or seven of them. All fawning over him, petting him, sharing his affection. Totally creeped me out. *shudder*

Anywho, the nurse on shift suggested hospitals as today's topic because of that experience. Let's launch!

***********************************

Oh I love these! They're even funnier now that I work for a hospital. And I found them at this doctor's site.

Hospitals are not exactly places that provide a lot of laughter. However, there is one source that does produce a lot of chuckles medical charting.

In the rush to write down a patient's condition, the healthcare professional often charts things which are ripe for humor.

For example, here are some things the medical staff have written on patient's charts:

Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the third day, the knee was better, and on the forth day, it had completely disappeared.

Discharge status: alive, but without permission.

Patient was admitted through the emergency department. I examined her on the floor.

The patient left the hospital feeling much better, except for her original complaints.

I saw the patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Patient left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

The test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient is numb from her toes down.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

The patient said her neck was increasing in size where we took it off.

I've suggested to the patient that he loosen his pants before standing and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

The patient stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Patient refuses an autopsy.

***********************************

Things You Don't Want To Hear During a Surgery

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that... uh... whatever it's called!

Oh no! I just lost my watch.

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

There go the lights again...

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

You sure it wasn't this leg?

OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

Are his relatives waiting outside?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

This scissor looks rusted.

Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?

These were all found here.

***********************************

OMG. I found this here. Sick, but it cracked me up.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna
promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim
out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the
news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged; since you were able to respond rationally to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”

Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How
soon can I go home?”

***********************************

And from Funny Jokes:

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. The head nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”

He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.’”

The head nurse said, “She was just trying to comfort you. What’s so frightening about that?”

The patient said, “She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to my surgeon!”

***********************************

Today's video? Why Bill Nye, of course. I thought, with the threat of the swine flu, this one was appropo:

Until I write again ...

Flea