Flea's World: Funny Bone Monday

Welcome to Funny Bone Monday, the Clown edition! That's right - in honor of my long-suffering, abused Hunny, today I feature clowns. For those of you adraid of clowns, come back next Monday. Or not.

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A professional clown, while traveling in the wilds of an uncharted jungle, was taken captive by cannibals, along with the rest of his party. Although the other members of his party were taken away to be boiled in the cannibals’ stew, the clown was taken to the outskirts of the village by the chief of the cannibals and released. “I’m grateful, but I don’t understand why you’re releasing me?” The Chief looked at the clown and said, “Clowns taste funny.”

A clown was standing in a kitchen, holding a can of frozen orange juice, staring at it intently. His friend saw this and asked why. The clown answered, "The can says, ‘Concentrate’"

Clown 1: Wow, what a nice silver medal! How did you win it?

Clown 2: By singing!

Clown 1: And how did you win the gold medal?

Clown 2: By stopping!

Clown 1: I won second prize in a singing contest once!

Clown 2: Really? How many people were in the contest?

Clown 1: Two!

Clown 2: Uh huh. What did the winner sing?

Clown 1: Nothing! They just heard me sing, and they awarded him first prize!

Boyfriend and girlfriend clowns:

Boy Clown : Since we met, I can't eat or drink...
Girl Clown : Why not ??
Boy Clown : I'm broke.

Boy Clown : May I hold your hand??
Girl Clown : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

Girl Clown : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
Boy Clown : What time was it??

Girl Clown : Say you love me! Say you love me!
Boy Clown : Okay, "You love me"

Girl Clown : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
Boy Clown : Sure, what's your phone number??

Girl Clown : I think the poorest people are the happiest..
Boy Clown : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple..

Girl Clown : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed, I couldn't speak for an hour..
Boy Clown : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...

Girl Clown : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
Boy Clown : Don't you ever want to improve??

Boy Clown : I love you! I love you so much, I could die for you!
Girl Clown : How soon??

Boy Clown : I would go to the end of the world for you!
Girl Clown : Yes, but would you stay there??

Boy Clown : You remind me of the sea.
Girl Clown : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Boy Clown : NO, because you make me sick.

Girl Clown : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think,?
Boy Clown : I agree with both. You're pretty ugly.

Boy Clown : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated.
Girl Clown : So what do you do?
Boy Clown : I close my eyes.

Clown 1: I’m so depressed; I had to shoot my dog.
Clown 2: Was he mad?
Clown 1: Well, he wasn’t exactly pleased.

Clown 1: Do you have holes in your underwear?
Clown 2: What an insult! Of course I don’t have holes in my underwear.
Clown 1: then how do you get your feet through?

Girl Clown: Do you love me?
Boy Clown: Yes, I love you.
Girl Clown: But, do you really love me?

Boy Clown: Yes, I really love you.
Girl Clown: But, do you really, truly love me?
Boy Clown: Yes! Yes, I really, truly love you! I would die for you!
Girl Clown: You’re always saying that, but you never do it.

These are all from a site called Clown Ministry

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*** You Might Be A Mime If... ***

You scream by waving your arms really, REALLY passionately at someone

Heated debates can be held in the public library

You've never won anything at an auction - except silent auctions

People assume you're an out-of-touch "Crow" fan

If you had your way, they would ALL be silent movies

You think Goths are posers

The term "inside voice" doesn't apply to you

You make money on the side selling makeup to televangelist's wives and street ho's

Clowns ridicule you

You were disappointed in Batman's "Harley Quinn" character for speaking

You received honorary French citizenship but never applied for it

You can't count the number of things you've been told to do with your invisible rope

Your understanding of "faking it" borders on cosmic

Your "Rhymin' & Mimin'" CD just didn't sell like you expected it to

You're internationally banned from playing charades because you're overqualified

You still anxiously remember almost suffocating in that box

Neighbors pound on your wall when you play air guitar

You were overjoyed that the wrestler Sting finally "came out"

Of all the insults hurled at you, "shut up" is one you never hear

You're part of a class-action suit against Madonna for "Vogue"

You've ballooned up to a grotesque 90 pounds

Pigeons crap on you just on general principle

You have no furniture, and don't need any

Some days you just don't feel like wearing the bowler and gloves

You were hired to perform the slow-motion "bullet time" scenes for the Matrix

That "right to remain silent" joke just gets funnier and FUNNIER every few dozen times you hear it

You have a million hilarious jokes but no way to tell them

That job as a play-by-play announcer was STOLEN by that loser just because he "spoke"

They don't understand how close you are to mastering telepathy!

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A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out -
caterer, band and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums
show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.
Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful
time. But, the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to
report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make the party at
all.

The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the
children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the
bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips and leaps high in the air.

She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is
absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your
friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the
party? I would pay him $50!"

Other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him." He then turned to Willie and yelled, "Hey Willie! For $50, would you chop off another toe?"

Signs you've hired the wrong clown ...

* By the end of the party, he's got every kid doing the "pull my finger" trick.
* Clown car must be started with breathalyzer device.
* Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"
* References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year olds.
* Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.
* Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.
* Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.
* Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.
* Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint."
* Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.
* Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"
* More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.
* Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of showing charts and complaining about the deficit.
* A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.
* Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."
* Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King..."

All from the Dr. Psychotic site

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And because all this isn't enough darn fun already, a video!