Clown 1: Wow, what a nice silver medal! How did you win it?
Clown 2: By singing!
Clown 1: And how did you win the gold medal?
Clown 2: By stopping!
Clown 1: I won second prize in a singing contest once!
Clown 2: Really? How many people were in the contest?
Clown 1: Two!
Clown 2: Uh huh. What did the winner sing?
Clown 1: Nothing! They just heard me sing, and they awarded him first prize!
Boyfriend and girlfriend clowns:
Boy Clown : Since we met, I can't eat or drink...
Girl Clown : Why not ??
Boy Clown : I'm broke.
Boy Clown : May I hold your hand??
Girl Clown : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
Girl Clown : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
Boy Clown : What time was it??
Girl Clown : Say you love me! Say you love me!
Boy Clown : Okay, "You love me"
Girl Clown : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
Boy Clown : Sure, what's your phone number??
Girl Clown : I think the poorest people are the happiest..
Boy Clown : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple..
Girl Clown : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed, I couldn't speak for an hour..
Boy Clown : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...
Girl Clown : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
Boy Clown : Don't you ever want to improve??
Boy Clown : I love you! I love you so much, I could die for you!
Girl Clown : How soon??
Boy Clown : I would go to the end of the world for you!
Girl Clown : Yes, but would you stay there??
Boy Clown : You remind me of the sea.
Girl Clown : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Boy Clown : NO, because you make me sick.
Girl Clown : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think,?
Boy Clown : I agree with both. You're pretty ugly.
Boy Clown : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated.
Girl Clown : So what do you do?
Boy Clown : I close my eyes.
Clown 1: I’m so depressed; I had to shoot my dog.
Clown 2: Was he mad?
Clown 1: Well, he wasn’t exactly pleased.
Clown 2: What an insult! Of course I don’t have holes in my underwear.
Clown 1: then how do you get your feet through?
Girl Clown: Do you love me?
Boy Clown: Yes, I love you.
Girl Clown: But, do you really love me?
Boy Clown: Yes, I really love you.
Girl Clown: But, do you really, truly love me?
Boy Clown: Yes! Yes, I really, truly love you! I would die for you!
Girl Clown: You’re always saying that, but you never do it.
You scream by waving your arms really, REALLY passionately at someone
Heated debates can be held in the public library
You've never won anything at an auction - except silent auctions
People assume you're an out-of-touch "Crow" fan
If you had your way, they would ALL be silent movies
You think Goths are posers
The term "inside voice" doesn't apply to you
You make money on the side selling makeup to televangelist's wives and street ho's
Clowns ridicule you
You were disappointed in Batman's "Harley Quinn" character for speaking
You received honorary French citizenship but never applied for it
You can't count the number of things you've been told to do with your invisible rope
Your understanding of "faking it" borders on cosmic
Your "Rhymin' & Mimin'" CD just didn't sell like you expected it to
You're internationally banned from playing charades because you're overqualified
You still anxiously remember almost suffocating in that box
Neighbors pound on your wall when you play air guitar
You were overjoyed that the wrestler Sting finally "came out"
Of all the insults hurled at you, "shut up" is one you never hear
You're part of a class-action suit against Madonna for "Vogue"
You've ballooned up to a grotesque 90 pounds
Pigeons crap on you just on general principle
You have no furniture, and don't need any
Some days you just don't feel like wearing the bowler and gloves
You were hired to perform the slow-motion "bullet time" scenes for the Matrix
That "right to remain silent" joke just gets funnier and FUNNIER every few dozen times you hear it
You have a million hilarious jokes but no way to tell them
That job as a play-by-play announcer was STOLEN by that loser just because he "spoke"
They don't understand how close you are to mastering telepathy!
caterer, band and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums
show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.
Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful
time. But, the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to
report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make the party at
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the
children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the
bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is
absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your
friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the
party? I would pay him $50!"
* Clown car must be started with breathalyzer device.
* Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"
* References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year olds.
* Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.
* Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.
* Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.
* Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.
* Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint."
* Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.
* Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"
* More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.
* Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of showing charts and complaining about the deficit.
* A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.
* Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."
* Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King..."
Good God that's funny.
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