Monday, October 5, 2009

Funny Bone Monday

Welcome to the Word edition of Funny Bone Monday! We're kicking off with the Washington Post's Mensa word contest. Enjoy!

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In case you missed it. Here is the Washington Post 's Mensa
Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the
dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter,
and supply a new definition.

The winners are:
01. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
02. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an jerk.
03. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.
04. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
05. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
06. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
07. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
08. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit, and the
person who doesn't get it.
09. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter,
when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words.

And the winners are:
01. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
02. flabbergasted , adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one
has gained.
03. abdicate , v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
04. esplanade , v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
05. willy-nilly , adj. impotent.
06. negligent , adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing
only a nightgown.
07. lymph , v. to walk with a lisp.
08. gargoyle , n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
09. flatulence , n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has
been run over by a steamroller.
10. balderdash , n. a rapidly receding hairline.
11. testicle , n. a humorous question on an exam.
12. rectitude , n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. pokemon , n. a Rastafarian proctologist. (GOTTA LOVE IT!)
14. oyster , n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. the belief that, after death, the soul
flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. circumvent , n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

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Puns, puns, puns!!!

  • Does fuzzy logic tickle?
  • At Scotland's Glasgow University, the following note was seen hanging on a lecturer's door: "Today's tutorial is canceled because Dr. N. is il." After the misspelled final word, a student had penciled in: "(sic)"
  • In the list below, we keep the convention of AWAD using AT instead of @ in e-mail addresses.
    • a hassle of errands,
    • a magnum of hit-men,
    • a quarrel of lawyers,
    • a shortage of dwarves,
    • a sulk of teenagers,
    • a plunder of goons.
    • an encroachment of fence-builders.
    • a fascination of on-lookers/listeners.
    • an embellishment of fishermen.
    • a treachery of spies.
    • a thrombosis of heart specialists.
    • a vagary of impediments.
    • a minuscule of sub-atomic particles.
    • a conflagration of arsonists/pyromaniacs.
    • an assassination of gangsters.
    • a mixture of pharmacists.
    • an incantation of witches/wizards/warlocks.
    • a density of meatheads.
    • an obfuscation of philosophers/politicians/economists.
    • a clutch of mechanics.
    • a phile of lovers.
    • a spider of webmasters.
    • a clique of computer mice.
    • a plurality of collectives.
    • an enterprise of trekkies.
    • a 404 of lost web pages.
    • a ___ of nihilists.
    • a brace of orthodontists.
    • a somephony of music critics.
    • A clique of photographers. - Lydia Ross (lydiarossATaol.com).
    • A barf of bulimics. - Steph Selice (redheditorATaol.com).
    • A surfeit of spammers. - Peter Moore (petermoore1ATgmail.com).
    • A blather of bloggers. - Scott S. Zacher (scottzATnorthwestern.edu).
    • A contingent of understudies. - Ben Yudkin (ben_yudkinATonetel.com).
    • A flight of runaway brides. - Michelle Geissbuhler (goathillATcolumbus.rr.com).
    • A Covey of highly effective people. - Esther Krieger (estikriegerATjuno.com).
    • A pinch of shoplifters. - Jim Vander Woude (jvanderwoudeATmacatawa.com).
    • A stupor of television viewers. - Rabbi Vander Cecil (rabbiATaataa.org).
    • a remora of lawyers. -- (if you're not familiar, look up 'remora' - it's worth it)
  • If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  • What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? ... Half way.
  • The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
  • I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
  • I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.
  • Don't be redundant by repeating yourself. Twice.
  • I am becoming increasingly worried and concerned that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.
  • A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."
  • Q: What does an Olympic fencing hopeful do at noon each day ?
    • A: Leaves his office and goes out to lunge.
  • Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
  • Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
  • A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit
  • "Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog
  • Seminar Topic:
    • "Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Phobias But Were Afraid To Ask."
  • What is a Quark? ... The noise a well bred duck makes.
  • For the academics: The difference between theory and practice in practice is greater than the difference between theory and practice in theory.
  • Will Windows95 live long and phosphor?
  • What do you get if you cross a parakeet and a parachute? ... Null parity.
  • Today is the day for decisive action! ... Or is it?
  • I used to think I was indecisive ... but now I am not sure.
  • The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
  • Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
These were all found at Puns!

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Some funny slogans?

  • If there is no god, who pops up the next kleenex?
  • If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you.
  • Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.
  • People who say you can't buy happiness just don't know where to shop.
  • I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect.
  • Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  • If Noah had been smart he would have swatted those two flies.
  • I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
  • Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
  • I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  • How come we have to choose from just 2 persons for president, and 50 for Miss America?
  • We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
  • Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.
  • Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
  • I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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And today's video? Hmm ...




Oh, and just for fun?




Until I write again ...

Flea

9 comments:

Karen said...

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.


Ain't that the truth.

Tiaras said...

can you think of a word for my stupid arse drunk brother calling me in the middle of the night? hee hee -

imbeingheldhostage said...

"lymph , v. to walk with a lisp" just an example of how immature I am-- I cracked up on this one... sad, I know.

Karen said...

05. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

I may have to start using this one on a regular basis if I can ever learn to do it without cracking up.

This may have been the funniest Funny Bone Monday yet.

Mental P Mama said...

LOL @ Karen....all of these are too great to forget. May have to print out;)

♥georgie♥ said...

LOL...I love Mondays@Fleas Place!

Lori said...

Smart-funny, my favorite kind!
Although, I got just as much enjoyment out of Cookie Monster at the end.....

♥georgie♥ said...

each time i see those mensa words I am LOL...

just wanted you to know i have an updated sss post up

Crazee Juls said...

Oh my, I laughed all the way through that one, I don't know what to comment on first! So, I'll just say well done, I'll be back, and thanks for the laugh(s)!!