A: "What's eating you?"
It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. 'Oh, I don't know ,' she said . 'Just give me something with diamonds. That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."
Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
There are numerous advantages in being fifty – just ask any eighty year old!!!
"A true friend remembers your birthday but not your age."
"When's your birthday?"
"July 23."
"What year?"
"Every year!"
When I was a child my family were so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.
Q: Did you hear about the dancer's birthday?
A: It was a tappy one!
"My birthday's coming"
Do you know what I need?"
"Yeah, but how do you wrap a life?"
Q: What did one candle say to the other?
A: "Don't birthdays burn you up?"
Q: "Were any famous men born on your birthday?"
A: "No, only little babies."
Q: How can you tell that you're getting old?
A: You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
"I'm giving a 'surprised' birthday party for you."
"A 'surprised'. birthday party? What's that?"
"That's where I invite a bunch of your friends, and if any of them come, I'll be surprised!"
Q: Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
A: Because people kept toasting him!
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN ...
- All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
- At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
- Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
- Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
- It takes twice as long to look half as good.
- Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
- The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
- When happy hour is a nap.
- When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.
- When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
- You and your teeth don't sleep together.
- You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
You Are Old, Father William
by Lewis Carroll
| 'You are old, Father William', the young man said, 'And your hair has become very white; And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- Do you think, at your age, it is right?' 'In my youth', Father William replied to his son, 'I feared it might injure the brain; But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, Why, I do it again and again.' 'You are old', said the youth, 'as I mentioned before, And have grown most uncommonly fat; Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- Pray, what is the reason of that?' 'In my youth', said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, 'I kept all my limbs very supple By the use of this ointment - one shilling the box - Allow me to sell you a couple?' 'You are old', said the youth, 'and your jaws are too weak For anything tougher than suet; Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak - Pray, how did you manage to do it?' 'In my youth', said his father, 'I took to the law, And argued each case with my wife; And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw, Has lasted the rest of my life.' 'You are old', said the youth, 'one would hardly suppose That your eye was as steady as ever; Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose - What made you so awfully clever?' 'I have answered three questions, and that is enough,' Said his father, 'don't give yourself airs! Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!' |
If there are 23 people in a room, there's a 50% chance that two of them will share a birthday (it's been proven mathematically).
What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common? They were all born on holidays.
Q. What was the average age of a cave man?
A. Stone Age!
Q. What goes up and never comes down?
A. Your age!
Q. What party game do rabbits like to play?
A. Musical Hares!
Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
A. Thanks. I'll never part with it!
Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.
It's not about age, it's about attitude.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her birthday, but even knows what she's going to exchange it for.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. - Jennifer Yane
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Frost
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip!
You were born an original. Don't die a copy. - John Mason
Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday.
Harry: That was a kind thought. But why didn't you?
Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.
When is your birthday?
17th January.
What year?
Every year!
Here are some more great birthday jokes:
Grandma, is it exciting being 99?
It certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.
Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards?
The stamps kept falling off the rocks!
Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?
In a cat-alogue!
Why did the boy put candles on the toilet?
He wanted to have a birthday potty!
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
What does a clam do on his birthday?
He shellabrates!
Where would you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. - Bob Hope
What is the left side of a birthday cake?
The side that's not eaten.
Q. Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
A. No, they both burn shorter!
Q. Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
A. Because it was feeling crumby!
Q. What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
A. Angel food cake!
What did one candle say to the other?
"Don't birthdays burn you up?"
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
Did you hear about the time Eddy's sister tried to make a birthday cake? The candles melted in the oven.
Found these here
6 comments:
Hope you had a happy day! I did get you a card. Just haven't sent it yet. :(
From one well adjusted woman to another: Hope it was a good one!
Flea! I missed your birthday! I also just missed you! Hope it was a super one!
How did I miss your Bday?!?
Hope it was all that and MORE!!!!
Hope you had a fabulous birthday.
Mini-van paddy wagon......LOL!
I hope this is your best year yet Flea. Happy Birthday!
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