Monday, October 26, 2009

Funny Bone Monday

Welcome to Funny Bone Monday! Where the jokes are used and the blogger is sound asleep!

Today's Funny Bone was a suggestion by one of my favoriter (what? it's a word!) patients. I can't have a favorite child, but I can have favorite patients. Can too! Yuh huh! No, you shut up!

Ahem. So the patient suggested giraffes, since her power animal is the giraffe. I have no idea what that means, but I'm supposed to look it up. I'm also supposed to look up riding giraffes, as that's her new life goal. If I weren't terrified of heights, that would be a pretty cool goal.


A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

This one's a classic:

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator?

Wrong answer.

Correct answer: open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct answer: the Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct answer: you jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting.

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all the questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.

Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brain of a four-year-old.

Found at a real estate blog

Okayyyyy ...

A quote from Newt Gingrich:

"If combat means living in a ditch, females have biological problems staying in a ditch for thirty days because they get infections and they don't have upper body strength. I mean, some do, but they're relatively rare. On the other hand, men are basically little piglets, you drop them in the ditch, they roll around in it, doesn't matter, you know. These things are very real. On the other hand, if combat means being on an Aegis-class cruiser managing the computer controls for twelve ships and their rockets, a female may be again dramatically better than a male who gets very, very frustrated sitting in a chair all the time because males are biologically driven to go out and hunt giraffes."

-- Adjunct Professor Newt Gingrich, Reinhardt College, January 7, 1995, "Renewing American Civilization."

The following is a letter making Internet e-mail rounds to Rep. Newt Gingrich from Fresno Bee reporter John Scalzi. It includes an informal poll Scalzi conducted on Newt's remarks about -- an astonishing misunderstanding of -- typical male behavior.


The following is an e-mail I sent to Newt Gingrich, in the wake of the discovery of his comments on the biological urge of men to "hunt giraffes" and to wallow in ditches "like little piglets":

From: (John M. Scalzi, II)
Subject: Giraffe Poll by Journalist.

Dear Mr. Gingrich:

My name is John Scalzi, and I am a columnist for the Fresno Bee in Fresno, California. In the days since the unearthing of your comments about men, women, combat, and the biological drive for men to hunt giraffes, I have taken it upon myself to conduct a poll to see whether that innate giraffe-hunting urge (and the little piglet wallowing urge) is in fact alive and well in the average American male.

While the sample polled is statistically small (50 men, basically whomever was handy at the time) and largely comprised of white, college-educated, gainfully employed males, I nevertheless feel that the information gleaned from this poll will be of some value to someone, somewhere, some time. Perhaps you yourself, should the subject of instinctual giraffe slaughtering come up again. Certainly for me, as it takes up the bulk of my column, to be published this Wednesday, January 25.

Thank you for your time, and happy hunting and/or wallowing, whichever the case may be.

1. Have you ever hunted a giraffe?

Yes: 0%
No: 100%

2. Have you ever had the urge to hunt a giraffe?

No: 96%

3. Provided the right tools and the time, would you hunt a giraffe?

Yes: 8%
No: 92%

4. If not a giraffe, would you hunt another African savannah animal?

Yes: 20%
No: 80%

5. If you had to hunt an African savannah animal, which of the following would you choose?

  1. Zebra: 2%
  2. Rhino: 6%
  3. Meerkat: 12%
  4. Boar: 42%
  5. Any creature that appeared in "``The Lion King": 36%

6. Do you think giraffe would taste like chicken?

Yes: 38%
No: 62%

7. Might it not make more sense not to hunt giraffe, but rather to set up giraffe ranches?

Yes: 92%
No: 8%

8. When you see Geoffrey, the Toys 'R' Us giraffe, do you ever get the urge to stick him with a spear?

Yes: 40%
No: 60%

9. Do you expect that Newt Gingrich has ever had the urge to hunt a giraffe?

Yes: 74%
No: 26%

10. If Newt Gingrich were to hunt a giraffe, would he use tools, or simply his own mouth?

Tools: 48%
Mouth: 52%

11. Would you rather hunt a giraffe, or wallow in a ditch like a little piglet?

Hunt: 30%
Wallow: 70%

12. Would you generally describe yourself as a little piglet?

Yes: 22%
No: 78%

13. Would you describe Newt Gingrich as a little piglet?

Yes: 54%
No: 46%

14. If you could, would you hunt Newt Gingrich?

Yes: 58%
No: 42%

15. Would Newt Gingrich taste like chicken?

Yes: 18%
No: 82%

c.1995 John Scalzi

I found this at a joke site

A man goes into a bar with a giraffe, they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they’re extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, “Hey! You can’t leave that lyin’ there!”

The man turns around and slurs, “Don’t be silly, that’s not a lion, that’s a giraffe!”

A police officier is stopped at a red light. While there, he notices quite a din coming from the trunk of a car in front of him. He approaches the driver of said car and instructs him to get out of the vehicle and open the trunk. The driver complies, and in the trunk are a dozen giraffes. The police officer says, "Take these giraffes to the zoo immediately!!" The driver says, "Right away officer!" and drives off.
The following day the cop is at the same red light, and who should be stopped in front of him but the same car with the same loud noise coming from the trunk.
The cop is really irritated now and again tells the driver to get out and open his trunk. There are the same dozen giraffes, only this time they're all wearing sunglasses.
The policeman says, "I told you to take these giraffes to the zoo!", to which the driver replies, "But officer, I they want to go to the beach!"

Today's video is unique. I like the word unique. It could mean so many things.

Followed by reality:

Until I write again ...


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