Funny Bone Monday

Happy Funny Bone Monday! I can't tell you how difficult it was to remember to do this, between it being a holiday weekend (busy with family and food), and my not working (yay me!). But here we are! An homage to a weekend of feasting! Ready to laugh? Ready? Set? Go!

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From the Ban Bread Now website, the case for banning bread from stores and tables forever:

-- More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
-- Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
-- More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
-- Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
-- Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
-- Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
-- Newborn babies can choke on bread.
-- Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
-- Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling and many have even been known to vote Democratic.
-- Bread has been the catalyst for political upheaval and dietary disaster worldwide, the militant "Whole Grain Cult", for instance.
-- After Jesus broke bread with his disciples the resulting betrayal changed world history forever. (Incorrect fundamentalist thinking blames it on the wine.)
-- Money is sometimes called "bread". Money is the root of all evil. Coincidence?

Just because you must, PLEASE head to Cake Wrecks for some gloriously funny photos and stories about some of the world's most inglorious cakes. Please?

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Funny Tummy had some good ones:

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(What is this, the "Shoplifter Special?")

On Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's just a suggestion, mind you.)

On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): Do not turn upside down.
(Well now you tell me!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
(That's a relief.)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
(I'm afraid to ask!)

On Salisbury's peanuts. Warning: Contains nuts.
(Truth in advertising prevails!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet. Eat nuts.
(Thanks for the pointers!)

I might try the pickle

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

Researchers at Harvard University, spurred by an urban myth, tested the effectiveness of Coca-Cola as a spermicide. The result: Diet Coke worked a little, but not well enough to qualify as a new form of birth control.

Survey: 14% of those responding make milk part of their sex lives.

Derrick Johnson of Newport Beach, California was fired from his stock clerk job in a supermarket because he talked to USA Today about his membership in the Poultry Bowling Association. Johnson and fellow clerks on the night shift used frozen turkeys to bowl over "pins" - two liter soft drink bottles.

In August of 1993, the Economic Evening News of Taiyuan, China, reported that a woman in her thirties, unidentified in the story, had eaten more than 800 rubber nipples from baby bottles in the last three years. A province health official said all family members apparently liked the smell of rubber.

The electric pickle is an experiment that was a tremendous success in freshman electronics class. You go to a deli, see, and get a big kosher dill pickle, seven or eight inches long. Then you cut the cord of an old electric appliance and strip the ends to expose two or three inches of split wire. (Unplug it first.) Get two two- or three-inch nails, wrap one strand of wire around each nail, and stick the nails into the pickle. Then plug in the cord. "After about ten seconds the pickle will light up, glowing and crackling. It's really quite bright. You can try it at home," says Franklin, "but don't touch the pickle."

Dumb Food Laws

Arizona: It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.

Illinois: A law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.

Kentucky: By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."

Washington: All lollipops are banned.

Florida: It is illegal to sell peanuts after sundown on Wednesday.

Alabama: Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.

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Food Spoilage Tests

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled
when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled
when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing
but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is
already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese
but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is
spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting
problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or
wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly
good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd
benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a

three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is
spoiled.

BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT
It never spoils.

CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL GUIDELINE:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or near your refrigerator to gauge this.

Found these at Food-related Humor

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The video for the day is, of course, Weird Al. He has so many great food songs.

This, though, is his first video. :)

Until I write again ...

Flea