Monday, November 23, 2009

I'm Grateful for Funny Bone Monday

Welcome to Funny Bone Monday, the day when I do my best to make Mondays better for all my bloggy friends. 'Know what I did to make Monday better for me? Okay, not this Monday, but every Monday after this one. I quit my job! Yes I did!

I just realized that I've been doing Funny Bone Monday ever since I started my job working weekend nights at the psych hospital, in an attempt to make sure I post, as a way to make it easier on myself, as well as to amuse you, my lovely pals. So I asked myself the question: does this mean I'll stop this Monday feature, having quit the job? It most certainly does not!

Yes, I'll go into why I quit at a later date. Suffice it to say I'm done for now, 'k? And that I have a lot to be grateful for, even without my job. Especially without the job I've so enjoyed.

Speaking of grateful, today's Funny Bone Monday topic is all about Thanksgiving feasts gone awry. Enjoy!

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Stuffed Turkey

Baby Bruno was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen,
watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.

"What are you doing?" Bruno asked.

"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his grandmother replied.

"That's cool!" Bruno said.
"Are you going to hang it next to the deer?"

Choose one!

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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You know your family is dysfunctional if Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.


Ten things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving, but aren't.....

Reach in and grab the giblets.

Whew, that's one terrific spread!

I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

Tying the legs together will keep the insides moist.

Talk about a huge breast!

"and he forced his way into the end zone..."

She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.

It's Cool Whip time!!!!

If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst!

It must be broken, cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out!

FROM MARTHA STEWART'S
Thanksgiving-January To Do List

1. Blanch the carcass from your Thanksgiving turkey, taking care to remove all meat, cartilage and sinew. Dry carcass thoroughly. Spray paint the carcass gold, turn it upside down, and use it as a sleigh to hold holiday greeting cards.

2. Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers and elf uniforms.

3. Deflate your car tires and re-fill them with Glade Holiday Scented air. This way, when your tires get shot out or slashed at the mall,they will release a fresh, cheery scent.

4. Organize your spice rack by genus and phylum.

5. When you receive your new phone book, use the old one as a personal address book by simply crossing out the names and addresses of people whom you don't know.

These all come from Mimi's Cyber Kitchen!

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Horn of Plenty

When a music student brought his French horn to my shop for repair, he complained that the instrument "felt stuffy" and he couldn't blow air through it. It's not unusual to find partial blockages in brass instruments if small items get lodged in the tubing, but when I tested the instrument, the horn was completely blocked.


After much probing and prodding, a small tangerine dropped out of the bell.


"Oh," said the musician when I handed him the fruit. Seeing the bewildered look on my face, he explained, "My mom used the horn for a cornucopia in a Thanksgiving centerpiece."

-- Contributed by Mark L. Madden


Holiday Heavyweights

The checkout clerk at the supermarket was unusually cheerful even though it was near closing time. "You must have picked up a ton of groceries today," a customer said to the checker. "How can you stay so pleasant?"


"We can all count our blessings," the clerk replied. "The hardest part of this job is the turkeys and the watermelons. I just thank God that Thanksgiving doesn't come in July."

-- Contributed by L. Proctor

The Turkey Wishbone

My grandfather always had the knack of saying the right thing. One Thanksgiving we explained to my younger brother the custom of breaking the turkey wishbone. Eager to have his wish come true, little Philip was bitterly disappointed when he saw that he held the small end of the bone, while his grandfather had the larger part.


"That's all right, my boy," said his smiling grandfather. "My wish was that you would get yours."

-- Contributed by Linda Ann Loschiavo

Guest Relations

Our eldest daughter, Ann, invited her college roommate to join our large family for Thanksgiving dinner. As families sometimes do, we got into a lively argument over a trivial subject until we remembered we had a guest in our midst. There was an immediate, embarrassed silence.


"Please don't worry about me," she said. "I was brought up in a family too."

-- Contributed by Garrison H. McClure


Tollbooth Timer

I worked on a toll road, answering the phone, collecting money and issuing toll tickets. One Thanksgiving Day, a woman called to ask about road conditions on the turnpike. After I said everything was A-okay, she told me a friend was coming for dinner. Then came the stumper. "If my friend just left from exit twelve," she asked, "what time should I put the turkey in?"

-- Contributed by Sandra Shields


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THE TWELVE DAYS OF THANKSGIVING

On the First Day: We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.

On the Second Day: We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.

On the Third Day: We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.

On the Fourth Day: We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we’d be celebrating Thanksgiving until April.

On the Fifth Day: We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of a naked turkey carcass.

On the Sixth Day: We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at the turkey and calls it Oriental.

On the Seventh Day: We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey-nugget pizza.

On the Eighth Day: The word “vegetarian” keeps popping into our heads.

On the Ninth Day: We check our hair to make sure we’re not beginning to sprout feathers.

On the Tenth Day: We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.

On the Eleventh Day: We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight.

On the Twelfth Day: We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers.

And everybody says AMEN!

Quotes:

What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” - Erma Bombeck

“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.” - Erma Bombeck

“Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” - Johnny Carson

“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” - Mickey Anonymouse

From the AntiBoredom Team


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OMG. This is too hysterical. Behave!



Until I write again ...

Flea

6 comments:

Mental P Mama said...

OMG!!! I am so going to paint my turkey carcass gold! Hope you are enjoying your first new day!

♥georgie♥ said...

no more psych ward! wow and yay you...and i love funny bone mon so glad it isnt going anywhere

ShaRhonda said...

Just stopped by to say Hi! Can't believe no more psych ward- I miss you girl! Didn't know you knew or read georgie! Small world! Happy Thanksgiving! Love ya!

Leenie said...

So does this mean you get a different job or that they just kicked you out of the psych ward? And after psych ward....where do you go??? Into politics?

Robin said...

Hee hee, I like "Choose One" the best :).

Happy Thanksgiving Flea.

Snooty Primadona said...

Get Out! You really quit your job?!?! Is this a good thing? If so, then yeehaaaaa!

I loved the Johnny Carson quote. Sadly, it's often too true...