Baby Bruno was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen,
watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
"What are you doing?" Bruno asked.
"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his grandmother replied.
"That's cool!" Bruno said.
"Are you going to hang it next to the deer?"
When a music student brought his French horn to my shop for repair, he complained that the instrument "felt stuffy" and he couldn't blow air through it. It's not unusual to find partial blockages in brass instruments if small items get lodged in the tubing, but when I tested the instrument, the horn was completely blocked.
After much probing and prodding, a small tangerine dropped out of the bell.
"Oh," said the musician when I handed him the fruit. Seeing the bewildered look on my face, he explained, "My mom used the horn for a cornucopia in a Thanksgiving centerpiece."
-- Contributed by Mark L. Madden
The checkout clerk at the supermarket was unusually cheerful even though it was near closing time. "You must have picked up a ton of groceries today," a customer said to the checker. "How can you stay so pleasant?"
"We can all count our blessings," the clerk replied. "The hardest part of this job is the turkeys and the watermelons. I just thank God that Thanksgiving doesn't come in July."
-- Contributed by L. Proctor
The Turkey Wishbone
My grandfather always had the knack of saying the right thing. One Thanksgiving we explained to my younger brother the custom of breaking the turkey wishbone. Eager to have his wish come true, little Philip was bitterly disappointed when he saw that he held the small end of the bone, while his grandfather had the larger part.
"That's all right, my boy," said his smiling grandfather. "My wish was that you would get yours."
-- Contributed by Linda Ann Loschiavo
Our eldest daughter, Ann, invited her college roommate to join our large family for Thanksgiving dinner. As families sometimes do, we got into a lively argument over a trivial subject until we remembered we had a guest in our midst. There was an immediate, embarrassed silence.
"Please don't worry about me," she said. "I was brought up in a family too."
-- Contributed by Garrison H. McClure
I worked on a toll road, answering the phone, collecting money and issuing toll tickets. One Thanksgiving Day, a woman called to ask about road conditions on the turnpike. After I said everything was A-okay, she told me a friend was coming for dinner. Then came the stumper. "If my friend just left from exit twelve," she asked, "what time should I put the turkey in?"
-- Contributed by Sandra Shields
THE TWELVE DAYS OF THANKSGIVING
On the First Day: We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.
On the Second Day: We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.
On the Third Day: We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.
On the Fourth Day: We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we’d be celebrating Thanksgiving until April.
On the Fifth Day: We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of a naked turkey carcass.
On the Sixth Day: We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at the turkey and calls it Oriental.
On the Seventh Day: We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey-nugget pizza.
On the Eighth Day: The word “vegetarian” keeps popping into our heads.
On the Ninth Day: We check our hair to make sure we’re not beginning to sprout feathers.
On the Tenth Day: We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.
On the Eleventh Day: We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight.
On the Twelfth Day: We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers.
And everybody says AMEN!
What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” - Erma Bombeck
“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.” - Erma Bombeck
“Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” - Johnny Carson
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” - Mickey Anonymouse
From the AntiBoredom Team