Funny Bone Monday

Welcome to Funny Bone Monday! Where the jokes are only slightly stale! Today's topic? Parties! Who doesn't love a good party? Especially when it's at your house? Or it's for you! Or a surprise! Or as an excuse to use yet ANOTHER exclamation point!!!!!!

So. Enjoy.

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Christmas Party

December 1...To All Employees

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will be held
on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of
spiked eggnog and a small band will play traditional carols...feel free
to sing-along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree.

Exchanging gifts among employees can be done at this time. Please
remember to keep gifts to the agreed $10 limit.

Merry Christmas to you and yours,

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

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December 2...To All Employees

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday and
often coincides with Christmas (although not this year). However, from
now on we're calling this party our Holiday Party. The same policy also
applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There
will be no tree or Christmas carols sung.

Happy holidays to you and yours.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

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December 3...To All Employees

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate
your request but please remember that if I put a sign on the table that
reads "AA Only" you won't be anonymous any more.

In addition, we'll no longer be having a gift exchange because union
members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director

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December 7...To All Employees

I have arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
away from the dessert table and for pregnant members to sit closest to
the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not
have to sit with gays; each group will have its own table. And, yes,
there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.

Happy now?

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

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December 9...To All Employees

People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to
play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan." There is no evil connation to our own little "man in a red
suit."

Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director

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December 10...To All Employees

Vegetarians! I've had it with you people. We're holding this party at
Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can just sit
at the table farthest from the "Grill of Death" as you call it, and
you'll get salad bar only including hydroponics tomatoes. Tomatoes have
feelings too, you know. They scream when you slice them. I can hear
them now. I hope you have a rotten holiday. Drive drunk and die, you
hear me?

The Bitch from Hell

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December 14...To All Employees

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime management has decided to cancel
the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full pay.

Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

That from Brain Candy

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A young woman was suffering badly from hay fever. She was going to a fancy dinner party that night and figured she would need at least two handkerchiefs to get her through the evening. She didn't have any pockets, so she stuffed them both in her bra.

Halfway through the night, she had already used up one handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for the other one. She was having trouble finding it, and soon she noticed that everyone at the table was looking at her.

"What on earth are you doing?" asked one of her colleagues.

She replied: "I could have sworn I had two when I arrived!"

Found it here

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When you’re walking with your girlfriend up the sidewalk toward her brother’s new girlfriend’s party, you say:

So this hydrogen atom walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. He says to the bartender, ‘I think I’ve lost an electron.’ The bartender says, ‘Are you sure?’ The electron says, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

When the door opens and you meet your girlfriend’s brother and his new girlfriend, the hostess, you say:

So this carton of yogurt walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, we don’t serve yogurt in here.’ The yogurt says, ‘Why not? I’m a cultured individual.’

When the hostess is refreshing the ice and refilling the punch bowl and she notices when you accidentally glance down the front of her dress, you say:

So this duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, your pants are down.’

When you mention to your girlfriend that her brother seems really nice and that his new girlfriend is really pretty and then quickly add that she also seems really nice, you say:

So this grasshopper walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, we have a drink named after you.’ The grasshopper says, ‘Really? You have a drink named Steve?’

When you go back to the drink table and tell the hostess you think she’s thrown a really great party, that it looks like a nice turnout, and that you’re having a really good time, you say:

So this hamburger walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, we don’t serve food here.’

When your girlfriend asks what you were saying to the hostess and you say you were just, you know, making small talk, and then she asks, why do you keep staring over at her if you were only making small talk, huh, you say:

So this string walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, we don’t serve string here.’ The string goes back outside, ruffs himself up in the street, curls up, and walks back into the bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, are you a string?’ The string says, ‘No, I’m a frayed knot.’

When you ask the hostess how long she’s lived in the area, if she likes it, what she does, and then look across the room and notice your girlfriend is in the corner talking to her obviously-now-drunk brother, who’s kind of having trouble standing up straight and, now that you notice it, is really a lot taller than you thought, you say:

So this skeleton walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer and a mop.

When you’re exiting the bathroom and get sucker-punched across the jaw by your girlfriend’s brother, who reeks of gin and who, when you drop to the ground, straddles you and begins pummeling your chest and face, you say:

So this mushroom walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. Then he starts hitting on the woman sitting next to him. He asks her out on a date and she says no. The mushroom says, ‘Come on, lady, I’m a fun guy.’

When the people at the party finally get the guy off of you and your girlfriend walks over, bends down to look you in the face, slaps you, tells you she never wants to see you again, and leaves with her brother, you say:

So this horse walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, why the long face?’

When you go back over to the refreshment table to get yourself a little something to kill the throbbing pain in your face and the hostess tells you that the party’s pretty much over at this point and that she’s sorry you got the crap kicked out of you and all, you say:

So this neutron walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender promptly serves up a cold one. The neutron asks, ‘How much will that be?’ The bartender says, ‘For you? No charge.’

When the hostess asks you to leave, but on your way out slips you her phone number and tells you to give her a call when the swelling goes down, or maybe in an hour, whichever comes first, you say:

So this giraffe walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, that’ll be 25 dollars.’ The giraffe pays him and the bartender says, ‘We don’t get many giraffes in here.’ The giraffe says, ‘At your prices, I’m not surprised.’

These made me laugh. They're from the Non-Expert

And this is a really cool food link

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The video is absolutely hysterical. If you can't watch because you're at work, make sure you see this one at home!

Until I write again ...

Flea