10. "Your eyes are like limpid pools of chicken stock."
9. "I know we've just met, but will you marinate me?"
8. "Cumin here often?"
7. "How do you like your eggs? Poached, scrambled, or fertilized?"
6. "Care to come back to my place and kick it up a notch?"
5. "Hey, weren't you in my 'Introduction to Melons' class?"
4. "We've now simmered for the recommended 25 minutes - time to
come to a full boil!"
3. "You're twice as sweet as a creme brulee - and less drippy."
2. "Get the buttah."
... and the Number 1 Pickup Line used by Chefs:
1. "Uh, yeah ... I invented Spaghetti-O's"
10. Salmon McNella
9. McKitty Sandwich8. Chicken McBobbitts
7. McGristle
6. Way Too Damn Happy Meal
5. McShrooms
4. The Depressed Meal
3. McMenudo
2. Filet O'Gefilte Fish
... and the #1 Rejected McDonald's New Item:
1. Rocky Mountain McOysters
2. Mike Wallace and the 60 Minutes crew are there to film it.
3. Your picture ends up on a milk carton.
4. People arrive at meeting, clutching copies of books about "spiritual abuse."
5. The church constitution suddenly becomes revered as the most important legal document since the Magna Charta.
6. The little blue-haired lady who's in charge of the nursery pounds the lectern with her shoe and screams, "We will bury you!"
7. The next day your spouse books a one-way flight out of the state and doesn't invite you to come along.
8. Your neighbors hear about the meeting on their police scanners.
9. A loyal supporter presses a can of Mace into your hands.
10. Another loyal supporter presses a can of Coors into your hands.
11. Another loyal supporter presses Jack Kevorkian's business card into your hands.
12. You're asked to try on a pair of bloody gloves.
13. People begin referring to you as "our former pastor."
And this one made me laugh ... and wince (and be glad for Glornak the Destroyer)
Top Ten Things People Won't Say When Spotting a Christian Bumper Sticker on Your Car
<10.>
9. "Don't worry, Billy, those people are Christians -- they must have a good reason for driving 90 miles an hour.>8. "What a joy to be sharing the highway with another car of Spirit-filled brothers and sisters."
7. "Isn't it wonderful how God blessed that Christian couple with a brand-new BMW?"
6. "Dad, how come people who drive like that don't get thrown in jail?" ">"Dad, can we get a bumper sticker like that, too?"
5. "Stay clear of those folks, Martha. If they get raptured, that car's gonna be all over the road!"
4. "Oh, look! That Christian woman is getting a chance to share Jesus with a police officer."
3. "No, that's not garbage coming out of their windows, Bert -- it's probably gospel tracts for the road workers."
2. "Oh, boy, we're in trouble now! We just rear-ended one of God's cars."
1. "Quick, Alice, honk the horn or they won't know that we love Jesus!"
A minister prayed to God in turmoil over the sinful state of his city, "Lord, most of the people in the city have no interest in following you. And the rest of us are having a hard time holding on!"
God heard the prayer and sent down an angel to investigate the claim. Later the angel reported back that, indeed, things were much worse that the minister indicated. 99% of the city was more sinful than Sodom and Gomorrah, and the remaining faithful 1% were strugling.
God considered what to do for those who were staying true to the faith. Finally God decided to send a letter of encouragement to the faithful few.
And do you know what the letter said?
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90 I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me ..... and I don't want to remind Him."
[Courtesy of Christiaan A. Brugman, Albemarle Road Presbyterian Church, Charlotte, NC]
Found those here
The chief told them the only way they could avoid death was by passing a trial. Not having any other choice, they all agreed.
The chief told them the first part of the trial was to go out and bring back 10 pieces of the same fruit. The Southern Baptist came back with 10 apples. The chief told him he had to swallow all 10 pieces whole without uttering a sound or changing expression. The first apple went down, but the Southern Baptist choked on the second and they killed him.
The Independent Baptist came back with 10 berries. The chief gave him the same orders . . . . 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-, then he "busted out" laughing and they killed him. The Southern Baptist missionary and the Independent Baptist missionary met in heaven.
The Southern Baptist turned to the Independent Baptist and said, "You almost made it, Brother. Why did you laugh?" The Independent Baptist said, "I couldn't help it. I saw the American Baptist coming back with an arm load of pineapples."
The Golden Phones
It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. He went to a very large church and began taking photographs, etc.
He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000 a minute."
Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Atlanta, and on around the United States, he finds more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents."
Fascinated, he requests to talk to the pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"
<The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course, it's a local call from here."
I harvested them here
Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called "Gilligan's Island". There is, however, a dark secret about this "comedy" you may never have realized. The island is a direct representation of Hell.
Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave. Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins:
Ginger represents LUST - she wears skimpy outfits, is obsessed with her looks, and is a borderline nymphomaniac.
Mary Ann represents ENVY - she is jealous of Ginger's beauty.
The Professor represents PRIDE - he is an annoying know-it-all.
Mr. Howell represents GREED - no explanation needed.
Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH - she has never lifted a finger to help on any of their escape plans.
The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY - again, no explanation needed and ANGER - he violently hits Gilligan on each show.
This leaves Gilligan. Gilligan is the person who put them there. He prevents them from leaving by foiling all of their escape plots. Also, it is HIS island. Therefore, Gilligan is SATAN.
Crazy? He does wear red in every episode.
His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny,
who watched a good many TV, adds, just to
make conversation.
Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and
had to spend them, what would you buy?"
"A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation.
"Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?"
"Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly,
but it's sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."
This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.
When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men, and she asked him why they were there.
Her grandson replied, "On television, they say, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
Ten Reasons Why TV Is Better Than The World-Wide Web
1. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
2. When was the last time you tuned in to "Friends" and got a "Not Found 404" message?
3. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.
4. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
5. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
6. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
7. "CSI" never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
8. You just can't find those cool infomercials on the Web.
9. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to cable.
10. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a soda in one hand and chips in the other.
All of these are from Basic Jokes!
After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.
Explaining who he was he asks “What happened?”
“Well,” one of the officer’s says, “It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground.”
The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief… “My agent came to my house?”
What is an Actor?
A man who tries to be everything but himself
11) You end telephone conversations with the phrase, "You are
the weakest link. Goodbye!"
10) You wonder why the people at TV guide have never won the
Pulitzer Prize.
9) Your lifelong dream is to say "Live from New York, its
Saturday Night!!"
8) You keep wooden stakes and garlic handy in case Buffy ever
needs your help.
7) Every time someone angers you, you threaten to "vote them off
the island" the next chance you get.
6) You wonder if the dog from "Frasier" will ever be as big as
Lassie.
5) You write angry letters in Klingon to the producers of Star
Trek wondering why the hell Seven of Nine doesn't get more face
time.
4) You wonder if today is the day the coyote finally catches the
roadrunner.
3) You end every conversation with "And that's the bottom line,
cause (insert your name here) said so."
2) You honestly believe that you can pass medical school based
solely on your knowledge from watching "ER".
and the number one reason you know you've been watching too much
TV...
1) Every time someone answers one of your questions, you ask,
"Is that your final answer?"
Find these here
