Last Day of the Year Contest

Happy New Year's Eve, bloggy friends! In honor of this being the very last day of 2009, I'm giving away something used. Wait! Don't go! It's cute! Fred and Bessie even approve!

See? They approve only because this tea kettle is competition. It's darling, though.

If you'd like it in your home, tell me what your New Year's resolution is in the comment section. If you don't have one, that's fine too. Just tell me that. This giveaway will be open until Sunday at midnight.

Love you, my bloggy peeps!

Until I write again ...

Flea

Fred & Bessie are Snowed In

What a busy week we had in Louisiana! My grandmother passed away the week prior, so last week, Christmas week, was more of a family reunion than anything. I met family I'd never set eyes on before. But part of my family wasn't there and I could have sworn they would be. In fact, more than one family member asked me about them.

We left for the south and I could have sworn these two were with us. Fred and Bessie love a good road trip. I'd forgotten, though, that they like to travel on their own terms. Good thing they got snowed in here in Tulsa. Who knows where they'd be by now?

They even kept little Wallace with them. Poor baby nearly starved. Bessie's accustomed to butter, chocolate and wine. Fred likes nearly anything processed. It was hard to take, finding them foraging in the frozen garden. I (almost) immediately brought them in and took them to food they'd appreciate.

Don't they look happier? My poor babies.

I'm glad to be home, and glad to have my babies around me. All of them. Seems they all wandered out into the snow while I wasn't looking.

Poor old Percy, my widower, is lonely. Took up with the duck/flamingo.

The Fred & Bessie cousins gave me this pair.

Daryl sent me this cutie pie.

Daryl sent me these babies, too.

I hope that you all had a very merry Christmas. And a great weekend.

Until I write again ...

Flea

Funny Bone Monday

Happy Funny Bone Monday! It's good to be home! And in honor of my grandmother, whom I loved dearly, because she loved a good joke, today will be funeral humor! She would appreciate these if she were still alive.

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Mule for Sale?
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag; - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.

Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

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Dog for Sale?
A woman was drinking her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

"Get in line"

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The Blue Suit
Margaret is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black, but he'd see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the man.

He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"

All three are from the Jokester

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A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

---

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said. . . "let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down."

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WHEN my grandmother died, we traveled to a tiny country cemetery to bury her beside my grandfather. Among those attending the funeral was a shabby figure in a dark, crumpled suit - too hot for the blazing August day. A dilapidated felt hat was clutched to his chest and tears followed the furrows of unshaven cheeks. His name was Billy, and he had lived on the farm next to my grandparents. It was poor land. His family often went hungry, but they were proud and Billy used to carry an empty lunch pail to school rather than let anyone know there was no food at home. He called for my father some mornings, setting his empty pail on the kitchen table where Grandmother was busily filling the family lunch pails. She would slyly fill his pail, too, and at school my father never noticed that Billy's lunch was the same as his. She never told of the empty lunch pail and neither did Billy. But he tramped the eight kilometers to her graveside, still poor, still hungry, but determined to pay his last respects to Grandmother, who had filled his lunch pail but left his pride intact.

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OUR priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His brother, of course, agreed. It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle, however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the service. As he approached the first pew where the deceased's relatives were seated he nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, "Brother or sister?" "Cousin," she replied.

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A MUSICIAN had given orders that when he died, his flute was to be buried with him. "What did you think, madam:" a friend asked the widow. "Well," she replied, "I thought it a blessing he didn't play the piano."

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ONE evening my husband and I were talking about our wills. I asked him, if he should go first, what funeral arrangements he would like. He told me he wanted to be cremated and have his ashes scattered over Catalina Island. "Why Catalina?" I asked. "Why? Because I've never been there before."

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MORTICIAN Dale Russon tells what happened to him on his way to one funeral: When I pulled up to a curb, my rear wheel dropped off the edge of the road and into a drain, causing the car to become stuck. Since I was already late, I rushed over to the trunk, got out my jack and started to raise the car out of the drain. At the motion of the jack, the trunk lid snapped down, catching me square on the head. At that point I decided I'd better call the funeral home and have them start the services without me. Blood was running down my face, dripping on my suit, and I was going to have to change my clothes. I stepped into the nearest building and asked the receptionist to call the Russon Brothers Mortuary for me. She looked at me and said, "Buddy, you're hurt, but you aren't hurt that bad."

Found these at Becquet

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This one's for my grandmother, who's now living the very best!

An old woman had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and given only days to live. But when the pastor thought they were done and he got up to leave, the lady said she had one more request – she would like to be buried with a fork in her hand.

Needless to say, the pastor asked her why. So, she explained. She said, “In all the years I have attended dinners in the community and at church, many times one of the instructions to the diners as the dinner plates were taken away, was “Keep your fork.” And, that always told me that there would be some wonderful dessert on the way – the best was yet to come!

“And, because I am a Christian, I know that when my life ends, the best is yet to come!“ So, I want to be buried with a fork in my hand, so that those who come to the wake will ask “Why is she holding a fork?” And, my family can tell them, “Because she knew the best was yet to come!”

Add Humor and Faith

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The first funeral I ever went to was a black funeral for a friend's cousin. It was the most emotional service I ever attended. I seriously did not expect the preacher to sing the service, but it was very cool. My grandmother's Catholic service was completely different. Also cool. A beautiful setting for a beautiful woman.

Until I write again ...

Flea

Macademia

I'm home. I have a cold. I really am going to bed. But I had to share.

Until I write again ...

Flea

And May All Your Christmases Be White

I'm hoping you all had the best Christmas ever. I'll be catching up with you when I return to Tulsa. Limited internet access and hours spent in dusty drawers and closets isn't conducive to blog reading. But I do have a minute to share snatches of my day, if anyone out there is bored.

Maybelline spent this week inviting trouble. Today it was the favorite aunt and her two favorite cousins all sitting on her lap. Ow.

Mr. Monkeysuit went missing. I looked a little. Asked a lot of people if they'd seen him. Everyone was quite amused that he was gone. That I'd lost him. Honestly, I thought someone had pocketed him.

My first gift this afternoon was Mr. Monkeysuit. It was the Evil Sister who'd lifted him.

Later this afternoon, the monkey disappeared again.

Ooo! I have to show you one of my favorite gifts. See, we did Secret Santa this year, so technically this was my birthday gift a few months late. Given to me in secret. Check it out:

See?

And ...

Taa daa!

Cute, huh? It also moos when you press its tail. The one who gave him to me? A little grandmother of a woman (I love her antlers):

Oh alright. She's only been a grandmother four months, and she's the youngest of the sisters, but she IS a grandmother. I loves her.

I hope each and every one of you has had a very merry Christmas. Mine ended with my favorite aunt playing a micro-cassette recording of my grandmother from just a couple of weeks ago, conversing with her sitter, telling jokes. It was sweet. She sounded good.

Until I write again ...

Flea

Louisiana and a Funeral

Hello and Merry Christmas. The fam and I are in Louisiana for Christmas. We attended my grandmother's funeral today. She was 91. Much loved and missed. Well remembered. Just a few photo highlights from the day, if you'll indulge me?

Cousins - Laurie, the long, lost cousin

Cousins - Wally, it's been years.

More cousins - Patsy! My favorite older cousin!

You haven't seen my monkey, have you?

Oh. My Hunny found Mr. Monkeysuit. They don't get along so well.

Younger cousins - Mary and Katie (the spring bride!)

Baby cousins

It was a good day. Except that my Hunny kept walking into my grandmother's room, as we all do when we walk into the house, to say hello. Which makes me cry.

Merry Christmas, everyone. May it be your happiest one yet.

Until I write again ...

Flea

We Interrupt This Program for an Improtant Announcement

Forgive me please, but I'm postponing Funny Bone Monday till next week. Instead, I want to encourage everyone who can to do something I feel strongly about - giving blood. This time of year there's a huge need for extra blood and I know that yours would be greatly appreciated. The Red Cross doesn't ask much. Just a pint.

I went Saturday morning at 8 AM (how crazy is that, signing up for a Saturday morning slot?). The people are friendly, see? This was the new girl who asked me a million and one questions. I enjoyed giving her a hard time. I hope she comes in to work Monday morning.

This is Lee, the fellow who took my blood OUT OF MY BODY. He's from Minnesota. He's a Vikings fan. I forgave him for that and let him take my blood anyway. GO SAINTS!!!!!

This is me, enjoying my stay at Casa del Sangre. I was looking forward to cookies!

I can't show you the cookies because I didn't photograph them. I just ate them.

So go give blood! Call your local Red Cross and sign up for a time. Save someone's life this Christmas.

Until I write again ...

Flea

Funny Bone Monday

Happy Funny Bone Monday!

Tis the week before Christmas and all through blogville

Not a blogger is sleeping or resting or still

That's all I got. I haven't been sleeping or resting or still. This is the crazy time. I'm reading others' blogs hit or miss. Making gifts, wrapping gifts, throwing parties, RSVPing to last minute parties. Panicking over OMG! THE TEACHER GIFTS!!! Yeah. I'm making those too. Found some adorable tiny wooden toy chests and ... you guessed it ... I'm burning them. I'll show you when I'm done what I've done with them. For less than three bucks apiece, I think I did well.

So. On to Funny Bone Monday. What's funny this week? Not much. Everything's stressful. I'm trying to remember to laugh and smile and breathe. I'm guessing some of you are too. So, to help us all to do that, we're going to bake holiday treats, 'k?

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Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies Notes

Ingredients

• 1 cup water
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup brown sugar
• 1 cup lemon juice
• 4 large eggs
• 1 cup nuts
• 2 cups dried fruit
• 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Serves / Yields

One

Preparation Instructions

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl; check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK; try another cup ...just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS!

Found this at the Spice House and it made me smile

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I was thinking I might actually try making fruitcake this year. Until I found this recipe:

Christmas Fruitcake Recipe

Items Needed: ------------- 4 Oz. Fruit Bits 1 Railroad Tie Wood Saw Large Rubber Mallot Safety Goggles WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES. (Children: Get help from an adult!) Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread. Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the block with your rubber mallot. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with an ugly fruitcake. Don't be afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallot! Good fruit bits should be much harder than the railroad tie, so you can't break anything. For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by setting them on top of your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes). Finally, cover it tightly in plastic wrap, and give your loved ones the timeless and enduring gift of fruitcake! Found that at Hungry Monster

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Well then.

Baking cookies with your cat!

Baking Cookies (with your cat)
1. Look in cookbook for cookie recipe.
2. Get cup of coffee.
3. Get cat off of cookbook.
4. Find that special recipe.
5. Get cat’s nose out of coffee mug.
6. Go to fridge and get eggs.
7. Get dry ingredients from cupboard.
8. Break eggs in small bowl.
9. Sift dry ingredients in large bowl.
10. Answer the phone.
11. Cat ate eggs; get more from fridge.
12. Get cat out of flour bowl and dust cat off.
13. Get Band-Aids for scratches on hands.
14. Throw flour out and get more.
15. Preheat oven for cookies.
16. Looking at cat & wanting to bake cat now.
Cat runs for cover into bathroom.
17. Flour the counter to roll out cookie dough.
18. Big crash in bathroom; run to see what happened.
19. Cat has TP all over floor; stuff spilled
and knocked over on top of bathroom counter.
20. Yell at cat. Cat falls in toilet bowl.
21. Can sense cat is angry.
22. Take cat out of toilet to dry cat off.
23. Get bandages to cover more scratches
on arms and legs.
24. Cleanup bathroom.
25. Hear a thump in kitchen …Oh Golly … now what?
26. Get cat off floured counter in kitchen.
27. Try to pick out cat hairs from flour.
28. Step on cat’s tail and get bitten.
29. Get coat, car keys, and go to store to buy cookies!!!

Found it here

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Speaking of recipes for the holidays, I won't leave you without a real one. It's my great-granmother's praline recipe. I haven't tried it yet, but I can't imagine a southern praline recipe going wrong.

Pralines - Mother Percy

1 ½ c. water

2 ½ c. sugar (white)

Let boil until dissolved. Pour in one small 10 ounce can Pet milk and 1 T. butter (heaping). Stir continually until it drops slowly from spoon. Add toasted pecans and ½ t. vanilla extract. Stir continually until it comes to fudge. Pour by spoonful onto buttered platter.

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The video - Christmas videos are always fun to find (I want the sweater):

And just because it's the holidays and I love you, sit back, relax, enjoy a little Pomplamoose:

Until I write again ...

Flea

The Cape

So I was sitting in the living room, listening to Red Rocks talking with a friend. He ran out and grabbed something from his room. A story he's been writing. My child is writing a story. And it's pretty good. But he didn't tell me about it. *sigh*

So last week I decided to make my daughter, Maybelline, a cape. She wears a black satin and velvet sleeveless gown for her vocal performances. Her jacket has gotten ratty and she looks silly in the brown parka. So I thought I'd make something she could wear and look elegant. What do you think?

No, that's not Maybelline. That's my buddy, Savvy. She was a trooper and came over so I could pin the hem while a live person was wearing it. Thank you, Savvy! This is Maybelline:

It's her Christmas gift, and yes, it's early. She has a vocal performance Monday night. I'll post pictures after, if I have time. Y'all know - this couple of weeks leading up to Christmas are crazy. But some of you had asked about the cape, so here are some of the photos of the project in process:

The pattern

Snooty gave me this mug. :)

I love this lining!

Nearly done - waiting on a hem.

Until I write again ...

Flea

God Gives Us Christmas

Ever have a "moment"? I know you have. I had one this morning. And no, I didn't say movement. I know you've had one of those. Shut up.

I had a few minutes in the car with Oatmeal Head yesterday afternoon and he was in a mood, a good one. I love it when he is, since then he talks and talks. So he says to me, "God gives us Christmas gifts."

Okaaaay. Where was he going with this?

Me: Does this mean dad and I don't have to give you a Christmas gift? (pleasepleasepleaseplease) What the heck do you mean?

OH: Well, I was waiting to see if you and dad would give me what I really wanted for Christmas ...

Me: You mean you wanted us to read your mind and give you what you wanted?

OH: No. I wanted you to dig around and figure out what I wanted. But God knew what I wanted and gave it to me.

Me: 'Splain, son.

OH: Well, I wanted swords for Christmas ...

Me: You KNOW we weren't getting you weapons for Christmas ...

OH: And God knew and gave me swords. (See? He did. And He didn't consult me first.)

OH: I also wanted big band swing music, and God let Rachel's dad play it for me. (He was at a friend's for a group gathering and her dad has a huge record collection and was playing swing for Oatmeal Head. We have a CD collection of the stuff, but he never thought to ask. It's finding its way into his stocking.)

Me: Oh I see. So what you're saying is that we don't have to give you anything for Christmas.

Oh: Nooooooo ...

So I'm remembering the conversation this morning, smiling while I scrub pots and pans - what? you don't smile while you do dishes? - and it hits me. God gives us Christmas. I know, I know - we've all heard the story of God sending Jesus to us the first Christmas, and the magi bringing him the first Christmas gifts. Yes, I do mean that God gives us the gift of His Son, because I believe that He does. But it's more.

God gave me Christmas when Oatmeal Head told me his story yesterday. I saw that the things Hunny and I have been teaching him for 15 years are crystallizing, and that God's bringing it home in a tangible way.

God gave me Christmas when He motivated me to help a friend clean her house this week - seeing her face when we were done, the look of relief, was a huge gift to me - more than she'll ever know. I thrive on seeing people smile.

God gave me Christmas when He had Connie send me the Praying from the Heart book. Tears cleanse my soul, and her story made me cry. I don't cry often.

Thank you, son, for reminding me that God gives us gifts because He loves us, not because we deserve them. That the little, seemingly inconsequential things, are His gifts to let us know He loves us, is thinking of us all the time.

It's two weeks early, but Merry Christmas, everyone. Keep your eyes open for God's gifts to you, will ya?

Until I write again ...

Flea

Random Holiday Stuff

Is this a busy time of year or what? And don't you just love stupid rhetorical questions? I know I do. The worst is when someone asks a rhetorical question and wants an answer. What the heck?!?

I have no idea where that came from.

Anywho, a bloggy friend of mine is having a giveaway. She's giving away a devotional book at this post, and the pickings are good ones. I like them, at least. I know that if you go over and leave a comment, it makes it less likely that I will will win, but my book shelves are full, so head on over to Cheryl's and say hi, will ya?

In response to Mental P's request yesterday for more on the book post, I'll tell you a little of Connie's story, since there are lots of other stories in the book (a Guideposts book), all true answers to prayer. Geez - I really don't want to give you much, though, since Connie tells her own story so well. Lemme just say that she was driving to her son's ball game and had to change routes because of a major accident. She prayed several times for the accident victims and medics on the way home to get her husband. When she arrived at home, her husband insisted on driving and was clearly very upset. You'll have to get the book - or head to Connie's blog and leave her a comment asking what happened - to get the rest of the story. I just cried and cried. Maybe it's because Connie's already one of the best friends I've never met and I already knew the ultimate outcome. I dunno.

I'm sewing again. Not by choice, really, but yes, by choice. Not smocking. Sad, huh? I want to smock, I really do, but I just don't care for it at the moment. I want to weave baskets. And I don't have time for that right now. So what am I doing? Making a cape for my daughter, Maybelline. See, she reads FaceCrack, but I know she doesn't read my blog, so it's safe to tell you all what I'm doing.

The day after Thanksgiving I purchased 5 yards of black faux suede. Yesterday I purchased five and a half yards of red satin brocade, with an Asian gold embroidery. Black on the outside, red as the lining. With a hood. Gorgeous material. It's one heavy son of a gun. But it will look great with her sleeveless black satin and velvet gown that she wears for vocal performances.

I think I'm about done with Christmas now. I need to mail my SSS gift today - Georgie's Secret Santa Soiree'. It hasn't come together the way I wanted it to, dang it. But it's together and heading for the post office.

I've burned a couple dozen coasters and other things with my cute wood burning tool already. It's much fun, but I need more wood and cork. Even then, I don't know that I have that much time before Christmas to get more gifts done.

There was a Christmas party at my house last Friday night. One of the guests left random origami swans around the house. They're beautiful. Oatmeal Head found a tiny one last night, hiding out on top of the doorbell in the hall. Adorable. No one's fessed up yet, so I've no idea who made them. I kinda like that.

That's about all the random holiday stuff I've got for now. Maybe I should leave you with a random holiday video? I think I should, since you've been so patient and waded through my pre-Christmas mess.

Until I write again ...

Flea

Answers to Prayer

OMG. I'm on Connie Pombo's book-for-life list (say it - you know you want to - Connie Pomboooooooooh). So this week I received her latest, Praying from the Heart: True Stories of Extraordinary Answers to Prayer. I took a picture of the book -

planning to blog about it, then left it on the table. Today I'm eating lunch and decide to read the entry that is Connie's, on page 45.

Y'all, I bawled like a baby all the way through it. I'm definitely going to make the rest of my book my night time read for the next week.

Connie, thank you. :) I look forward to reading more of your stories and life!

Until I write again ...

Flea

Funny Bone Monday

Welcome to Funny Bone Monday! Where the jokes are only slightly stale! Today's topic? Parties! Who doesn't love a good party? Especially when it's at your house? Or it's for you! Or a surprise! Or as an excuse to use yet ANOTHER exclamation point!!!!!!

So. Enjoy.

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Christmas Party

December 1...To All Employees

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will be held
on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of
spiked eggnog and a small band will play traditional carols...feel free
to sing-along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree.

Exchanging gifts among employees can be done at this time. Please
remember to keep gifts to the agreed $10 limit.

Merry Christmas to you and yours,

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

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December 2...To All Employees

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday and
often coincides with Christmas (although not this year). However, from
now on we're calling this party our Holiday Party. The same policy also
applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There
will be no tree or Christmas carols sung.

Happy holidays to you and yours.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

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December 3...To All Employees

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate
your request but please remember that if I put a sign on the table that
reads "AA Only" you won't be anonymous any more.

In addition, we'll no longer be having a gift exchange because union
members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director

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December 7...To All Employees

I have arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
away from the dessert table and for pregnant members to sit closest to
the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not
have to sit with gays; each group will have its own table. And, yes,
there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.

Happy now?

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

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December 9...To All Employees

People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to
play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan." There is no evil connation to our own little "man in a red
suit."

Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director

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December 10...To All Employees

Vegetarians! I've had it with you people. We're holding this party at
Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can just sit
at the table farthest from the "Grill of Death" as you call it, and
you'll get salad bar only including hydroponics tomatoes. Tomatoes have
feelings too, you know. They scream when you slice them. I can hear
them now. I hope you have a rotten holiday. Drive drunk and die, you
hear me?

The Bitch from Hell

------------------------------------------------------------------------

December 14...To All Employees

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime management has decided to cancel
the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full pay.

Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

That from Brain Candy

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A young woman was suffering badly from hay fever. She was going to a fancy dinner party that night and figured she would need at least two handkerchiefs to get her through the evening. She didn't have any pockets, so she stuffed them both in her bra.

Halfway through the night, she had already used up one handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for the other one. She was having trouble finding it, and soon she noticed that everyone at the table was looking at her.

"What on earth are you doing?" asked one of her colleagues.

She replied: "I could have sworn I had two when I arrived!"

Found it here

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When you’re walking with your girlfriend up the sidewalk toward her brother’s new girlfriend’s party, you say:

So this hydrogen atom walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. He says to the bartender, ‘I think I’ve lost an electron.’ The bartender says, ‘Are you sure?’ The electron says, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

When the door opens and you meet your girlfriend’s brother and his new girlfriend, the hostess, you say:

So this carton of yogurt walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, we don’t serve yogurt in here.’ The yogurt says, ‘Why not? I’m a cultured individual.’

When the hostess is refreshing the ice and refilling the punch bowl and she notices when you accidentally glance down the front of her dress, you say:

So this duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, your pants are down.’

When you mention to your girlfriend that her brother seems really nice and that his new girlfriend is really pretty and then quickly add that she also seems really nice, you say:

So this grasshopper walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, we have a drink named after you.’ The grasshopper says, ‘Really? You have a drink named Steve?’

When you go back to the drink table and tell the hostess you think she’s thrown a really great party, that it looks like a nice turnout, and that you’re having a really good time, you say:

So this hamburger walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, we don’t serve food here.’

When your girlfriend asks what you were saying to the hostess and you say you were just, you know, making small talk, and then she asks, why do you keep staring over at her if you were only making small talk, huh, you say:

So this string walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, we don’t serve string here.’ The string goes back outside, ruffs himself up in the street, curls up, and walks back into the bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, are you a string?’ The string says, ‘No, I’m a frayed knot.’

When you ask the hostess how long she’s lived in the area, if she likes it, what she does, and then look across the room and notice your girlfriend is in the corner talking to her obviously-now-drunk brother, who’s kind of having trouble standing up straight and, now that you notice it, is really a lot taller than you thought, you say:

So this skeleton walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer and a mop.

When you’re exiting the bathroom and get sucker-punched across the jaw by your girlfriend’s brother, who reeks of gin and who, when you drop to the ground, straddles you and begins pummeling your chest and face, you say:

So this mushroom walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. Then he starts hitting on the woman sitting next to him. He asks her out on a date and she says no. The mushroom says, ‘Come on, lady, I’m a fun guy.’

When the people at the party finally get the guy off of you and your girlfriend walks over, bends down to look you in the face, slaps you, tells you she never wants to see you again, and leaves with her brother, you say:

So this horse walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, why the long face?’

When you go back over to the refreshment table to get yourself a little something to kill the throbbing pain in your face and the hostess tells you that the party’s pretty much over at this point and that she’s sorry you got the crap kicked out of you and all, you say:

So this neutron walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender promptly serves up a cold one. The neutron asks, ‘How much will that be?’ The bartender says, ‘For you? No charge.’

When the hostess asks you to leave, but on your way out slips you her phone number and tells you to give her a call when the swelling goes down, or maybe in an hour, whichever comes first, you say:

So this giraffe walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, that’ll be 25 dollars.’ The giraffe pays him and the bartender says, ‘We don’t get many giraffes in here.’ The giraffe says, ‘At your prices, I’m not surprised.’

These made me laugh. They're from the Non-Expert

And this is a really cool food link

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The video is absolutely hysterical. If you can't watch because you're at work, make sure you see this one at home!

Until I write again ...

Flea