Monday, January 4, 2010

Funny Bone Monday

Happy New Year! Today's Funny Bone Monday is meant to be helpful to you, my pretty readers (keep up the good work!). Not only is it Monday, but it's the first Monday of a WHOLE NEW DECADE. Resolution humor is at hand! And I'll announce the winner of the tea kettle contest later today!


At the end of one year and the start of another, many of us will renew our commitment to living with daily affirmations. I know the power of affirming my truth, over and over, everyday! While these may not suit everyone's taste, here are some "possible" affirmations to consider!

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

5. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.

6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

7. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.

8. I am at one with my duality.

9. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.

10. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

11. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

13. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

14. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

15. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future?

16. The complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that the conspiracy is working.

17. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

These made me think of People of WalMart:

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Don't date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
9. Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Don't have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Don't wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Don't bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

Dr. Steve prescribed these Resolutions

I resolve to eat healthier in 2010:

Diet to Start the New Year

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day. I have found that this really works!!

* 1 Grapefruit
* 1 slice whole-wheat toast
* 1 cup skim milk

* 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
* 1 cup herbal tea
* 1 Penguin Biscuit

* The rest of the Penguins from the packet
* 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

* 4 bottles of wine (red or white)
* 2 loaves garlic bread
* 1 family size Supreme pizza
* 3 snickers bars

* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

Some fun resolutions:

  1. I resolve to work with neglected children. (my own).
  2. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
  3. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
  4. I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.
  5. I will balance my checkbook. (on my nose).
  6. I will think of a password for my computer other than "password."
  7. I will try to figure out why I "really" need 11 e-mail addresses.
  8. I will go into McDonald''s and order a McSpreader
  9. I will go into McDonald''s and order a McSlurry
  10. I will find out why the correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I purchased never showed up.

Found at Slinky City

Y'all know I'm all about the video. This one's not resolution oriented, but I adore Viral Video Film School. Do enjoy today's pick!

Until I write again ...



Trisha said...

Happy Monday, Flea - you funny person you!

Janita R. Hall-Swadley said...

OK, I'm gonna break one of your resolutions....LOL! LOL!! Thanks for the great laugh, Flea!

Mental P Mama said...

I can break some of these, too;) And today? I will honor my inner martyr!

Daryl said...

Funny stuff

Unknown said...

Great as always BUT I did LMAO@LATE NIGHT SNACK
* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

too freakin funny!

Happy New Year Flea

Donalyn said...

It's just not nice to publically share those emails I sent you about my resolutions. Rethinking our friendship now....
You can LOL now ;)