"It's slow here, too", said Satan
"Well," God said, "I think a dog show might be fun."
"Sounds good," says Satan, "But why are you calling me? You've got all the dogs up there."
"I know," answered God, "But you've got all the judges."
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you- - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.(OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
- The dog is not allowed in the house.
- Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
- The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
- The dog can get on the old furniture only.
- Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
- Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
- The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
- The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
- The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
- Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
From "My Dog is the World's Best Dog" by Suzy Becker.
Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
- ~ Jack Handey
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
I think I'll have to end with this one:
An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions; a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day.
Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in. The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.
On bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed into town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully.
He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips. Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench.
To his surprise, he didn't feel it. He dug around again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench.
Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and without pay he couldn't even buy food for that night's supper, let alone tomorrow.
When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hire someone else.
The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever.
But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn. When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him.
Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through tear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food tomorrow. What's more, without money to buy a new wrench,he had no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest,most helpless feeling he ever had!
Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. As the old man went overto see what this shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did!
The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion.
Few people have ever heard these words....until now, that is.
One man who did happen toread them changed them a bit and has his named recorded in music history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you are privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went:
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."
Found at Waldenhaus