A car speeding down the highway loses control, goes through a guard rail, rolls down a cliff, bounces off a tree, lands upside down and finally stops, wheels spinning in the air, smoke and steam pouring out from under the hood.
A passing motorist, who witnessed the entire accident, helps the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good Lord Mister, he gasps, are you drunk?"
"Of course!," says the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am? A stunt driver or something?"
Submitted by YingHouse
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?".
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. "Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.'
"Then he said, 'How are YOU feeling?'"
Submitted by Bubba
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
How To Identify Where A Driver Is From
- One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago
- One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York
- One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
- One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: Riverside
- Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
- Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
- One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
- One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
- One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
- Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna, cousin/spouse in passenger seat: Arkansas
- Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.
Submitted by ARareJewelnLA
The longest journey begins with a single step, not with a turn of the ignition key. ~ Edward Abbey.
In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks. ~ Scott Adams.
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. ~ Woody Allen.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction. ~ Noelie Altito.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough. ~ Mario Andretti.
A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense. ~ American Proverb.
That the automobile has practically reached the limit of its development is suggested by the fact that during the past year no improvements of a radical nature have been introduced. ~ Scientific American, June 2, 1909. [This one is right up there with the former chairman of IBM saying that the world would only need two or three computers at most.].
Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down. ~ Russell Baker. [Just don't tell PETA - People for the Ethical Treatment of Automobiles].
I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. ~ Dave Barry.
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. ~ Dave Barry.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. ~ Dave Barry, "Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn".
Life is too short for traffic. ~ Dan Bellack.
If you think Abraham Lincoln became famous for inventing the town car, it is time to spend a few hours on history. ~ Bo Bennett.
A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, "Are you comfortable?" The man answers, "I make a nice living." ~ Milton Berle.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. ~ Erma Bombeck.
I'm trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week. ~ Erma Bombeck.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. ~ Erma Bombeck.
Never have more children than you have car windows. ~ Erma Bombeck.
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. ~ Erma Bombeck.
The Yugo: "At least it had heated rear windows so your hands could stay warm while you pushed."
Daihatsu Charade: "It was as if Daihatsu took aluminum foil and shaped it into a car."
Ford Pinto: "Remember that great Pinto bumper sticker? 'Hit me and we blow up together'?"
American Motors Gremlin: "It was entirely possible to read an entire Russian novel during the pause between stepping on the gas and feeling any semblance of forward motion."
Renault Le Car: "It would put you in mortal danger if you had an accident with anything larger than a croissant."
Cadillac Cimarron: "When we traded it in, my wife was upset because we didn't keep it long enough for her to buy a gun and shoot it."
Volkswagen Bus: "There was no heat--unless, that is, the auxiliary gas heater caught fire."
Fiat X1/9: "It ran fine--that is, unless it was too wet, too cold, too hot or too dark outside."
Chevrolet Vega: "As far as I could tell, the car was built from compressed rust."