Funny Bone Monday

Happy I-totally-forgot-to-post-anything-for-Funny-Bone-Monday! Geez. Blame on the Valentine's Day Weekend. Blame it on my Valentine's Day gift. My sweet Hunny gave me a Cub wood burning unit, with two pens and three replaceable nibs. It ROCKS. We also went by the Tandy leather store. He and my mom got starter kits and will be taking classes. Do you KNOW how perfect leather is for burning?!? OMG. Awesomeness.

Without further ado (and my apologies for sending this into cyberspace so late), Funny Bone Monday, the theater edition.

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These I found at MadStage

Ten Reasons to Take an Improv Class:10. Liberate your inner child9. Enhance the way you make stuff up all the time.

8. Create characters to respond to telemarketers.

7. Try something legal for a change.

6. Develop your inherent shtick.

5. Fine tune the way you already dance around issues.

4. Take a risk with your clothes on.

3. Act out with guidance.

2. Sound cool saying: Can't meet tonight--got my improv class.

1. Learn how to network using props.

All of them. One to do it, and the rest to talk about how much better they could have done it.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Just complain to the director at notes.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Doesn't the stage manager do that?

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. They can never find their light.

How many stage managers does it take to screw in a ...
Done.

How many stage managers does it take to change a light bulb?
I DON'T CARE!!! JUST DO IT!!!

How many stage managers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Where's IATSE?

How many stage managers does it take to change a light bulb?
It's on my list... IT'S ON MY LIST...

How many assistant directors does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But he/she has to check with the director first to make sure he/she wants the bulb there.

How many directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Well...um...what do you think?

How many lighting techs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Nothing happens on that @#$%ing side of the stage anyway!

How many designers does it take to change a light bulb?
Does it have to be a light bulb?

How many playwrights does it take to change a light bulb?
Change? Why does it have to change? No changes, it's perfect just the way it is.

How many directors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Give a note to the stage manager to fix it!

How many stage managers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Pull the technical director off of a set installation to deal with it.

How many technical directors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Call the master electrician at home to fix it.

How many master electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't change bulbs, only halogen lamps. It's a Props problem.

How many props masters does it take to change a light bulb?
Light bulb?! When did they even get a lamp?

How many theater critics does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. One to be highly critical of the design elements, one to express contempt for the glow of the lamp, one to lambaste the interpretation of wattage used, one to observe how trite the use of a light bulb was, one to critique the performance of the bulb itself, one to recall superb light bulbs of past seasons and lament how this one fails to measure up, and all to join in the refrain reflecting on how they could build a better light bulb in their sleep.

How many theater students does it take to change a light bulb?
Uh, what's the deadline, 'cause I may need an extension.

How many audience members does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to do it, one child to cry, and one to say loudly, "ROSE, HE'S CHANGING THE LIGHT BULB."

How many interns does it take to change a light bulb?
It doesn't matter because you'll have to do it again anyway.

How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Why do we need another light bulb?

How many IATSE guys does it take to change a light bulb?
One, once he puts down the donut and coffee.

How many IATSE guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty-five, with a minimum of four hours... you got a @!%#&!* problem with that?

How many lighting designers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Where's my assistant?

How many high school theater students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, if they can find a lamp big enough and figure out how to get inside it.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
Lamp! It's called a LAMP, you moron!

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From the theater tech viewpoint:

-- All the world's a stage -- and I'm the stage manager.

-- If all the worlds a stage - when is curtain call?

-- Determining the sexual preference of dead playwrights, while politically incorrect and academically irrelevant, is big fun. -- The Reduced Shakespeare Co.

-- I don't do Mondays.

-- Those who would alter reality must first escape it.

-- And on the first day the lord said... ...Lx1, Go! and there was light!

-- Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...

-- I need some duck tape. My duck has a quack in it...

-- In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice this is just not true.

-- Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.

-- One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop.

-- PPPPPP = proper planning prevents piss poor productions

-- PPPPPPP = Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance! (USMC ver.)

-- Show me a script that calls for no actors, dancers, musicians or artists; and, I will show you a techie's DREAM!

-- The classic struggle in Theatre: "The Show must go on" vs "This is stupid, I'm going home."

-- The more of a reason you have, the more important it is to beat something senseless with your crescent. (directors included)

-- We are agreed that your ideas are crazy. What we have yet to determine is whether your ideas are crazy enough to be true.

-- Where would God have been without techs?

From Quick Prayers and mottos

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So you can keep all the roles straight:

Theatrical Structure:

Producer-

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.

Is more powerful than a locomotive.

Is faster than a speeding bullet.

Walks on water.

Gives policy to God.

Director-

Leaps short buildings in a single bound.

Is more powerful than a switch engine.

Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.

Walks on water if the sea is calm.

Talks with God.

Playwright-

Leaps short buildings with a running start.

Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.

Is faster than a speeding BB.

Swims well.

Is occasionally addressed by God.

Actor-

Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings.

Is run over by locomotives.

Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.

Dog paddles.

Talks to animals.

Chorus Member-

Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings.

Says "Look at the choo-choo."

Wets himself with a water pistol.

Plays in mud puddles.

Mumbles to himself.

Stage Manager-

Lifts buildings and walks under them.

Kicks locomotives off the track.

Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them.

Freezes water with a single glance.

*IS* God.

These gems were found at Theater Jokes

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Today's video is ... perfect for Funny Bone Monday!

Something I never think about, not being theater

Until I write again ...

Flea