Monday, February 22, 2010

Funny Bone Monday

This week's topic is relevant for me. Unfortunately. I have a teen boy and a teen girl living under my roof. It hits too close to home. So all I can do is laugh, right? Y'all enjoy Funny Bone Monday, the dating version.

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My favorite type of girl was always one that would go out with me.
Twice.

I could tell she felt comfortable with me when she used my tie to wipe mustard off her mouth.

Dating is when you pretend you're someone you're not, to impress somebody you don't even know.

What men don't realize is how many women date just so they won't have to cook dinner.

I'd rather try on swimsuits in a well-lighted dressing room than to go on a blind date.

I only date so my friends won't feel sorry for me and try to fix me up with somebody.

This was gleaned from Dating Humor

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Dating Ad Translations

Want to know what the person is REALLY like behind those "nice" descriptions in Singles Ads? Here are some translations.

DANDY LITTLE HOUSE KEEPER:
She has been married three times and kept all the houses

FINE CHARACTER
She's an ex-hooker

KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE MONEY:
She's a spend thrift and great at spending yours

STRONG FAMILY TIES:
She's a Mafia Princess

LOVES CHILDREN:
She's pregnant and needs a husband

WONDERFUL PERSONALITY:
She's fat

GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR:
She's fat and will laugh at anything you say

THE OUTDOOR TYPE:
She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, just like the guys

READY TO SETTLE DOWN:
She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry

LIKES TO HAVE A GOOD TIME:
She gets drunk every time she goes out

LOTS OF FUN AT PARTIES:
Often makes an ass of herself

MATURE WOMAN:
She's at least thirty, but looks at least forty-five

HAS THE APPEARANCE OF A YOUNG SCHOOL GIRL:
She's at least thirty-three, but dresses like a teenager

CASUAL:
She dresses like a slob

DECORATED HER OWN PLACE:
Her apartment resembles a pig sty

A GREAT DANCER:
She's a Stripper

NOT OVERLY EMOTIONAL:
She only cries twenty-seven times a day

DOESN'T CHASE MEN:
She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type

SELDOM DATES:
She's a lesbian who needs a male escort for something

UNDERSTANDS MEN:
She's been married and divorced four times

A GOOD SPORT:
She knows two hundred jokes & can drink you under the table

LOOKS AND DRESSES LIKE A MODEL:
She's five eleven and weighs seventy-three pounds

BEEN IN SHOW BUSINESS:
She's a former porn movie star

KNOWS A LOT OF INTERESTING PEOPLE:
None of whom would marry her


*************************We are SO adopting these for Maybelline!We are SO adopting these for Maybelline!Dad's Rules For Your BoyfriendRule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, becasue you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my duaghter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early".

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chan saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.

Three Tickets

The boyfriend said, "We're going to have a GREAT time Saturday. I've gotten three tickets for the big game."

"Why do we need three ?" asked the girl.

"They're for your Father, Mother, and kid sister." he replied with a sheepish grin.

Funny Love Poems

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a two-line rhyme with the MOST romantic first line and the LEAST romantic second line:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

5. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

6. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Darn, I'm good at telling lies!

8. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

9. My feelings for you no words can convey,
Except for maybe 'Go away"

10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.


Found 'em at Dating Jokes
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Don't cringe. How bad can the video be?


Yeah. That bad. Let's try again, shall we?



Oh just one more! Warning, though - the sign language is a bit much in places.



Until I write again ...

Flea

6 comments:

Pearl said...

HA! Makes me miss dating!!

Pearl

Daryl said...

Glad I dont have children

Memaw's memories said...

I love Mr. Bean and the dating rules are great.

Snooty Primadona said...

Of course, I always love everything that Mr. Bean does but that Casanova guy was flat out scary. He definitely struck fear in my heart for my daughter. Gah!

All very funny stuff!

MaBunny said...

thanx for the laughs

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. said...

these are some good ones. i needed them!
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