Monday, March 8, 2010

Funny Bone Monday

Happy Funny Bone Monday! Where the jokes are stale, but usually new to me! What else do you need, really? Sit back and enjoy our ride through corporate America.

This was sent in an email from a friend.


If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you'll love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600.00 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,

"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Fun quotes, from a Corporate Humor site:

"An expert is somebody who is more than 50 miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides."

Edwin Meese

"One sure way to the top is to invent scapegoats in the company and lead the charge against them. Ideally the scapegoats should be powerless and funny looking."

Dogbert's Big Book of Business

About dot com's Political Humor offers some pretty good advice:

Smart Investing

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

How Corporate Life Evolved

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.

After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result -- all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

Turn off the cold water.

If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one.

The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one.

The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.

The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.

Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced.

Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

Because that's the way we've always done it here!!

I think these corporate lessons are applicable across the board:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: – “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story : – To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story : – Bulls**t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Today's video just cracks me up. This man is a genius. And it's a take off on this song.

Until I write again ...



MaBunny said...

hahaha, loved the one about the pizza delivery guy. thanks for the monday mornng giggles.

Mental P Mama said...

LOL @ that turkey...

Leenie said...

Hahaha! Thanks, I needed that.

Diane said...

The first one was the best one! Har... pizza guy!

imbeingheldhostage said...

Pizza guy was so great I read it twice. The ape story is SO true!

Rick said...

An "X" is an unknown. A "spert" is a drip under pressure. An expert is an unknown drip under pressure.

Weird Al must have to stay in shape to pull that off.

CanadianMama said...

Hahahahaha - I gotta get into the pizza delivery business!!

ps. This was Monday - it's now Thursday - where are you?

imbeingheldhostage said...

Hey.. it's monday in my world, where's my funny page? ;-) I know, "go away lurker".
I really have been here, but I've been here on my phone and commenting stinks on my phone.

Hope you are okee dokey.