Monday, March 22, 2010

Funny Bone Monday

Welcome to Funny Bone Monday! I'm reverting to base humor in honor of idiots everywhere. You know who you are. No, not you. You. Yes you. Put your hand down. No one else needs to know you're stupid. As a public service, I offer these jokes as guidelines of what NOT to do.

Q: How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?

A: Give him a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides.

An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.

A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.

Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens.

"I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,

"I think I'm planting them too deep."

* * *

Q: How do you confuse an idiot?

A: Give him two spades and tell him to take his pick.

* * *

Did you here about the idiot who won the 'Tour De France'?
He did a lap of Honour!

* * *

Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?
He fell in the sink!

These gems can be found at Funny Stupid Jokes

And here's a real life dumb from About dot com

"My neighbor Gus put on my dog's electric fence dog collar. He ran over the wire where the collar shocks you. He asked me, 'Why did it hurt?' I said it's for training dogs not to run out of the yard. He said, 'But I'm not a dog!"'

Anybody else out there hungry for casserole?


A few clowns short of a circus.

Dumber than a box of hair.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off her cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay her brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If she had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

The lights are on, but nobody's home.

24 cents short of a quarter.

These can be found at Stupid Humor

A slight variation on the stupid theme, if you'll indulge me?

25 Lines from Star Wars that are improved by substituting the word "UNDERPANTS"

1. A tremor in the underpants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

2. You are unwise to lower your underpants.

3. We've got to be able to get some reading on those underpants, up or down.

4. She must have hidden the plans in her underpants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.

5. These underpants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.

6. I find your lack of underpants disturbing.

7. These underpants contain the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it.

8. Han will have those underpants down. We've got to give him more time!

9. General Veers, prepare your underpants for a surface assault.

10. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my underpants back home.

11. TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your underpants?

12. Lock the door. And hope they don't have underpants.

13. Governor Tarkin. I should've recognised your foul underpants when I was brought on board.

14. You look strong enough to pull the underpants off of a Gundark.

15. Luke*Help me take*these underpants off.

16. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your underpants.

17. That blast came from those underpants. That thing's operational!

18. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of underpants more heavily guarded than this.

19. Maybe you'd like it back in your underpants, your highness.

20. Your underpants betray you. Yours feelings for them are strong. Especially one. Your sister!

21. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their underpants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

22. Yeah, well short underpants is better than no underpants at all, Chewie.

23. Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my underpants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.

24. I cannot teach him. The boy has no underpants.

25. You came in those underpants? You're braver than I thought.

Okay, so they're not about being stupid. But they're darn funny, people! And I got them here.

A video. Oh man. How to choose a video? So many stupid people, so little time.

I couldn't leave it there, though. Oh no. This one had to happen.

Until I write again ...



judi/Gmj said...

now these make me giggle. I am stealing some. The hamster one. oh yeah.
BTW, come play with my hamster.
feed him, water him, ya don't have to clean the cage.

Marguerite said...

Some of those underpants quotes are very disturbing....

And speaking of stupid, I head a true story just the other day. A girl was filling out a form. In place of Age, Sex, Race she had her age, F, and "S". The "S" was for single.

Leenie said...

:) :o :D !!!!! underpants haha!

Laura ~Peach~ said...

FLEA! Miss Emjay here. Just got my gift in the mail. It's amazing! Am so happy to have it. what a wonderful surprise. I love the giraffe. My favorite animal! well anyways just saying thank you! Love n hugs.
Miss Martha Jean

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. said...

oh yeah love that "stupid" stuff. I work with some of them!