A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey's human family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the family.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the vet.
All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"
"Standard pricing practice," said the vet. "The female brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used.".
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized with her and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
These monkey jokes are courtesy a monkey joke site
The Monkey Mime
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.
He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.
The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
Q. What do you call a Monkey in a tree?
A. A Branch Manager!!!
Q. What do you call a Monkey in a garden?
A. A Plant Manger!!
Q: How do you train King Kong?
A: Hit him with a rolled up newspaper building.
Q: Where do monkeys pick up wild rumors?
A: Over the apevine.
Q: What do you do with a blue monkey?
A: Cheer it up!
Q: What do monkeys do for laughs?
A: They tell people jokes!
Q: What did the banana say to the monkey?
A: Nothing. Bananas don't talk!
Q. What do you get when you cross a gorilla and a parrot?
A. Polly wants a cracker NOW!!!
Q: How do monkeys get down the stairs?
A: They slide down the banana-ster!
Q. What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
A. Very lost!
Q. Why did the monkey cross the road?
A. Because it was the chicken's day off!
Q. What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
A. It won't be long now.
Q. What's black and white and has sixteen wheels?
A. A capuchin wearing roller skates!
Q. Why did the monkey put a net over his head?
A. Because he wanted to catch his breath.
Q. What kind of key doesn't open a door?
A. A monkey!
Q. Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
A. Because he had to take care of some monkey business!
Q. What do you call a 2,000 pound gorilla?
Q. What is smarter than a talking monkey?
A. A spelling bee!
Q. What side of a monkey has more hair?
A. The outside.
Q. If twenty monkeys run after one banana, what time is it?
A. Twenty after one!
Q. If you were in a jungle by yourself and a gorilla charged you, what would you do?
A. Pay him.