Monday, April 19, 2010

Funny Bone Monday

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Happy Funny Bone Monday! Y'all, I am open to humor ideas any day of the week. After a year and a half, I feel like I've run through anything and everything. Any suggestions for next week?

This week - in order to prove my point - is random humor. It may all be duds. We'll see as we go along, shall we?

I'm starting with my favorite of all humor topics - the blonde joke!

So a blond was speeding down the highway. All of a sudden she gets pulled over (obviously because she was speeding.)

The cop who pulled her over was also a blond (uh-oh)... The cop says "Ma'am i need to see your drivers license ID."

The driver was confused, being blond and all.

So, the cop decides to remind her what an ID is. "Ma'am its a rectangular thing with your picture on it"

The blond still has no idea, but looks for it anyways. So funny them blonds. She pulls out a rectangular mirror and hands it to the cop.

The blonde cop says to the blond driver, "Oh, sorry ma'am if I had known YOU were a cop too, I wouldn't have pulled you over."

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'

Found at Clean Jokes

In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years old.

A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how unfair it was to require the candidate to be a natural born citizen. In her opinion, that made it impossible for many qualified people to run for the office. She went on and on, wrapping up her argument with "What makes a natural born citizen more qualified to be President than one born by C-Section?"

Two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered.

They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"

Found at blonde jokes

Yo mama is so fat... she went to KFC and asked for the bucket on the roof.

Yo momma is so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.

Yo momma is so fat, her belt size is equator.

Yo momma is so fat, she's the reason why they changed one size fits all to one size fits most.

Yo momma is so fat, she broke her leg and gravy poured out.

Yo momma is so fat, when she fell down, the radio skipped.

Yo momma is so fat, she stepped up on a scale and it said, "One at a time, please!"

Yo momma is so fat, she stepped up on a scale and it said, "We don't do livestock!"

Yo momma is so fat, she jumped up in the air and got stuck.

She's Ugly:

Yo momma is so ugly, she doesn't have to buy a costume for Halloween parties.

Yo momma is so ugly, when she stares into a mirror, her own reflection runs away.

Yo momma is so ugly, it is now against store policy at WalMart to serve her at the portrait studio as it constitutes as cruel and unusual punishment that goes against the Geneva Convention.

Yo momma is so ugly, she's got a face for radio.

Yo momma is so ugly, she made Ray Charles flinch.

She's Dumb:

Yo momma is so dumb, she sat for an hour and a half trying to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

Yo momma is so dumb, she runs out and checks her mail box every time AOL tells her, "You've got mail!"

Yo momma is so dumb, she was driving to Disneyland only to see a sign that said, "Disneyland, left." So she turned around and went home.

These are from Clean Jokes. I laughed. I cried. It moved me, Bob.

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

These I found at Jokes Clean
I love random FBMs, since I get to play whatever fun video I choose. In fact, I asked the Hunny for his favorite vid and first up is his vote!

This is his next favorite:

Well heck. Let's keep this one going:

And more!

Until I write again ...



Mental P Mama said...

Always a treat...I love the septic tank one;)

Daryl said...


5 Kids With Disabilities said...

Even though I am blonde, I got the jokes, and they were sooooo funny!

imbeingheldhostage said...

I love crying cucumbers Flea ;-)
These were awesome, I can't pick a favourite, but I savoured each one (my Hubby will thank you when no laundry is finished).

Krista said...

The septic tank - oh my heck!