Monday, May 17, 2010

Funny Bone Monday

Welcome to Funny Bone Monday, where the jokes are stale, but the laughter's fresh! Today's FBM is in honor of the families that were blessed with home makeovers this weekend, courtesy our church's Clean Slate ministry, and several hundred hard working volunteers. Settle in and enjoy some construction humor!

Two simple carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”

The first explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away ’cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!”

A carpenter was fixing the roof of a church, when he struck his thumb.“Dammit, I missed!” cries the carpenter.

The minister corrects him, saying, “You shouldn’t say such a thing in the church.”

The carpenter continues his work, and soon strikes his thumb again. “Dammit, I missed!” he yells.

The minister again corrects the carpenter.The carpenter continues with his work without further comment.

Again the carpenter strikes his thumb, and again he yells, “Dammit, I missed!”When the minister corrects him this time, the carpenter asks, “What’s going to happpen? A bolt of lightening going to strike me dead?”

The minister says, “As a matter of fact, yes it will.”

Suddenly a bolt of lightening comes through the roof, and strikes the minister dead. A large booming voice is heard saying, “Dammit, I missed!

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks the list and says, “Sorry, looks like you’re in the wrong place.” So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What?!? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have been sent down there; send him back up here.”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right! Just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

A contractor dies in a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.

Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says, “Congratulations!”

“Congratulations for what?” responds the contractor.

“Congratulations for what?!?” says Saint Peter. “We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old!”

“There has been some horrible mistake,” says the contractor. “I only lived to be forty.”

“That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter, “we just added up your time sheets!”

These all came from Construction Jobs Blog
Someone Important

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago, to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings, it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived, they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "this could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more. They had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "we are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said, "it's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.

"Well, who was it", they asked.

"The 1962 National Hide-and-Seek Champion", the police said.

This cute one was found here

Mitch is working at the site, pushing a plank through the buzz saw, when he accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He manages to drive himself to the nearest hospital's emergency room.

The doctor takes one look at Mitch's bloody stumps and says, "Oh my gosh, reattachment surgery on so many lost digits has never been attempted before! But don't worry, I'm the best surgeon in the hospital, give me the fingers, and we'll get to work."

Mitch says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor looks flabbergasted. "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's the 21st century! We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring in the fingers??"

Mitch says, "Well, Doc, I couldn't exactly pick the freaking things up!"

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the rear with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."

These little beauties were at Contractor City
Construction makes for such fun visual humor. This first one made me smile.

Until I write again ...


1 comment:

Snooty Primadona said...

All of them tickled my funny bone...