Monday, May 31, 2010

Funny Bone Monday

Happy Memorial Day, and welcome to Funny Bone Monday! My hat off to our veterans. I hope you're all remembering them as you go about your day today, in the midst of your grilling and celebrations!

Today's topic, thanks to Daryl and her hunny, is cowboys. You all have him to thank for the first video. Enjoy!

Oh, and cowboy jokes? Lots of them out there. Tough to find family friendly ones. Beware.

The Cowboy in the Theatre

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

The Cowboy Ventriloquist and the Rancher

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"

Rancher: "This dog don`t talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how`s it going?"

Dog: "Doin alright"

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How`s he treat you?"

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Rancher: "Horses don`t talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how`s it goin?"

Horse: "Cool."

Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How`s he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Rancher: (total look of amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"

Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain`t nothin but liars!!!"

This fun cowboy humor was found here

A Cowboy's Guide to Life

1. Don't squat with your spurs on.

2. Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you none.

3. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

4. Always drink upstream from the herd.

5. Telling a man to git and making him do it are two entirely different propositions.

6. When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

7. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still back there.

8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

9. If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

10. And never, ever, miss a good opportunity to shut up.

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.

"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a worldly fellow.

"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.

"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.

"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.

"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.

"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.

"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.

"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.

"Pew," Charlie retorted.

"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar and with a quick move of his hands, he flipped his guns into the air, caught them above his head without even looking and fired at the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss!?" he yelled. No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have anotha beer, and if my hoss ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! As he swung up into the saddle and started to ride out of town, the bartender ran out of the saloon and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I walked home."

Cowboy Computer Specialist

Windows: Whut to shut when its cold outside

Screen: Whut to shut when its black fly season

Byte: Whut dem dang flys do

Chip: Munchies fer the TV

Micro Chip: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag

Modem: Whatcha do to the hay fields

Dot Matrix: Ole Dan Matrix's wife

Lap Top: Whar the kitty sleeps

Keyboard: Whar you hang the dang truck keys

Software: Dem dang plastic forks and knifes

Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn

Mouse Pad: That's hippie talk fer where the mouse lives

Main Frame: Holds up the barn roof

Port: Fancy flatlander wine

Enter: Notherner talk fer "C'Mon in y'all"

Click: Whut you hear when you cock yer gun

Double Click: When you cock the double barrel

Reboot: Whut you have to do right before bedtime, when you have to go to the outhouse

WARNING: Language

Cowboy Frank was killed in a stampede and his face was pretty badly mutilated.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Slim and Rusty. The three men had always done everything together.

Slim arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Slim said, His face is torn up pretty bad. You better roll him over.

The mortician rolled him over, and Slim said, Nope, that ain't Frank.

The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Rusty in to identify the body. Rusty took a look at the body and said, Yup, he's pretty well torn up. Roll him over.

The mortician rolled him over and Rusty said, No, it ain't Frank.

The mortician asked, How can you tell?

Rusty said, Well, every body knows, Cowboy Frank had two ass holes.

What? He had two ass holes?!

Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say,
Here comes Frank with them two ass holes.

All of these are at the Cowboy Humor site!
Here, the debut on Flea's World, of Daryl's Toon Man:

I know it's not cowboy, but it mocks one of my favorite country songs:

Until I write again ...



Daryl said...

Love these .. especially West of Limbo ... thank you from both Andrew and Ray for doing this ... ''much appreciated, Ma'am!''

Lori said...

HA! I love that herdin' cat commercial! One of my all-time faves!

Leenie said...

Thanks for the Monday smiles. Herding cats. :D.

Hope you are on the shallow end of the state. I hear the rain has turned to DELUGE in OK.