Monday, June 21, 2010

Funny Bone Monday

Y'all! I forgot all about Funny Bone Monday today! This whole computer restriction thing really sucks. And for those of you finding me for the first time, no, I'm not a teenager on restriction. My teenager put ME on restriction. I got the short end of the stick on this one.

In honor of my teens, and the self-dubbed "Summer of the Extra Teen" (long story), today I mock them. You heard that right. I'm making fun of teenagers from shore to shore. Let the laughter begin!
The teenager who picked up the phone after I dialed told me I
had the wrong number.
I said, "Are you sure?"
He said, "Have I ever lied to you before?"

Just before graduation, he asked his girl: "Can I change your
name to mine?"
She said "Yes."
Since then he's been calling her Fred.

Hmm. Maybe not the best start. I found them here
A wee bit of teen driving humor. Which I don't find amusing. Too close to home.

The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

My teenaged niece was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."

She turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left."

I can always rely on Basic Jokes for fun stuff!
Oh my.

Teenagers are like CATS:

** Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

** No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all
humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of
waiting on them hand and foot.

** You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult
human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her
right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

** Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor
your teen will ever crack a smile.

** No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.

** Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on
end without moving, barely breathing.

** Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

** Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating
that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

** Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

** Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to
return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your
bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenage daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty, which does NOT include the right to return the ‘product’ to the factory for a full refund.

To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenage girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
(c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.

When you first receive your teenage daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the “Break-In Period,” during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. One you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

To activate your teenage daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

Having a teenage daughter means learning the difference between the words “clean” and “neat.” Teenage daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because “like I’m sure I’m going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use.” When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out & wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing “clean” with “neat.” Teenagers are very busy & don’t have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These ‘others’ are called “parents.”

Your teenage daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because “it is like so disgusting.” She doesn’t want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and, “like I’m sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents”. Either order take-out food or just give her the money. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and, “ohmigod he is so hot!” Yes, your daughter’s idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly, sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenage daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the school door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

Teenage daughters require one or two levels of maintenance: “high,” and “ultra high.” Of course, YOUR daughter is “ultra high”. This means that whatever you do won’t be enough, and whatever you try, won’t work.

This product is not without defect because she has “your” genes, for heaven’s sake! If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenage daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman; which in her opinion, has already happened, and as far as you are concerned, never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenage daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she’s actually still there – you just have to look for her. Go
ahead, try it-you just might find her!

I Loved this! Found it here
And because it's painful, er, humorous, to watch them, let's see some teenagers in action, eh?

Y'all, I know I'm naive, but I was APPALLED at the videos on YouTube which came up when I searched for teen humor. Appalled. So pickin's are slim today. Sorry.

Until I write again ...



Mental P Mama said...

LOL. So what's your time limit?

CanadianMama said...

I miss you too much - damn those teenagers of yours!!

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. said...

you really need to see if you can get an early release from this restriction!