I know, I know. I'm not supposed to be blogging. Two factors bring me here today: 1) Maybelline is at a friend's house, and 2) I just HAVE to share!!!
So I'm at Dlyn's Dessert Stalkings site this weekend, drooling, when I see this recipe for dulce du leche. I had a can of sweetened condensed milk in the pantry, so why not? OMG. Y'all. You have to make this.
Then I started wondering what the heck I was going to do with an entire can of creamy caramel. I mean really, people. I can't just sit down and eat the entire can. Well. I could. But I won't.
I started thinking about uses for creamy caramel. I've never made caramel, so I was stumped for about three minutes.
Then I remembered P-Dub running a recipe for caramel sea salt brownies. OMG. The perfect recipe for my dulce de leche. Especially since I'd promised the Hunny a batch of brownies tonight. AND P-Dub seemed unhappy with her caramel recipe. What better fix than this, right?
Hello and happy Funny Bone Monday, all! Today's post revolves around the meal we love for dinner - breakfast! Enjoy!
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Did you hear that Cap’n Crunch was murdered last night?It was a cereal killing!
A five year old and a four year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the five year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."
The four year old nods his head in approval. The 5 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell", and you say "ass", okay?" The four year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the five year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."...WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs bawling.
The mom looks at the four year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I'm not sure," he says, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
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A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
Man: "What's your 'Unique Breakfast?'"
Waitress"Baked tongue of chicken."
Man: "Baked tongue of chicken?... Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!"
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"
"Just bring me scrambled eggs," the man replied.
A little guy is sitting at a counter eating breakfast. A big guy walks in and hits the little guy.
"That's a judo chop from Japan," he says, and then walks into the bathroom. The little guy gets up and sits back down to finish his breakfast. The big guy comes back out of the bathroom and hits the little guy again.
"That's a karate chop from Korea," he says. The little guy gets up and leaves the diner. The big guy sits down and orders breakfast.
As he starts to eat, the little guy comes running back through the door and knocks the big guy out. He looks at the waitress and says, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a tire iron from Sears."
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door on his way the office.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opens the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil-wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrive. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the candy, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never spent a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my whole life!'
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Two Baby Boomers went to breakfast at a restaurant where the “Baby Boomers’ Special” was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.“Sounds good,” the wife said. “But I don’t want the eggs.”“Then I’ll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you’re ordering a la carte,” the waitress warned her.“You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?” The wife asked incredulously. “I’ll take the special.”“How do you want your eggs?”“Raw and in the shell,” the wife replied. She took the two eggs home, to bake a cake with later.Moral: DON’T MESS WITH BABY BOOMERS!Found at a Baby Boomer siteLast, but not least, the bad puns:What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.What do ghouls eat for breakfast? Dreaded Wheet.What do cannibals eat for breakfast? Buttered host.
Y'all! I forgot all about Funny Bone Monday today! This whole computer restriction thing really sucks. And for those of you finding me for the first time, no, I'm not a teenager on restriction. My teenager put ME on restriction. I got the short end of the stick on this one.
In honor of my teens, and the self-dubbed "Summer of the Extra Teen" (long story), today I mock them. You heard that right. I'm making fun of teenagers from shore to shore. Let the laughter begin!
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The teenager who picked up the phone after I dialed told me I had the wrong number. I said, "Are you sure?" He said, "Have I ever lied to you before?"
Just before graduation, he asked his girl: "Can I change your name to mine?" She said "Yes." Since then he's been calling her Fred.
A wee bit of teen driving humor. Which I don't find amusing. Too close to home.
The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
My teenaged niece was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."
She turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left."
** Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
** No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
** You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
** Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
** No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
** Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
** Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
** Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.
** Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
** Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
ON HER THIRTEENTH BIRTHDAY Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenage daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty, which does NOT include the right to return the ‘product’ to the factory for a full refund.
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenage girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she: (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.
BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenage daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the “Break-In Period,” during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. One you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION: To activate your teenage daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.
SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenage daughter means learning the difference between the words “clean” and “neat.” Teenage daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because “like I’m sure I’m going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use.” When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out & wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing “clean” with “neat.” Teenagers are very busy & don’t have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These ‘others’ are called “parents.”
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER: Your teenage daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because “it is like so disgusting.” She doesn’t want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and, “like I’m sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents”. Either order take-out food or just give her the money. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and, “ohmigod he is so hot!” Yes, your daughter’s idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly, sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenage daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the school door, she will be wearing something entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenage daughters require one or two levels of maintenance: “high,” and “ultra high.” Of course, YOUR daughter is “ultra high”. This means that whatever you do won’t be enough, and whatever you try, won’t work.
WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has “your” genes, for heaven’s sake! If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenage daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman; which in her opinion, has already happened, and as far as you are concerned, never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenage daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she’s actually still there – you just have to look for her. Go ahead, try it-you just might find her!
And because it's painful, er, humorous, to watch them, let's see some teenagers in action, eh?
Y'all, I know I'm naive, but I was APPALLED at the videos on YouTube which came up when I searched for teen humor. Appalled. So pickin's are slim today. Sorry.
Cutest thing ever, y'all. A blogger emailed me and asked if I'd link to him. I like to know people if I link to them, but I went to his site and it cracked me up. His whole site is about neckties. So. Today's Funny Bone Monday is all about tie humor. Pickin's may be sparse, people, but we're here and kickin'. Call it the summer lite series, hmm?
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A fleeing Taliban Arab, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image,only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked, "I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?
Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way; they have all the water you need."
The Arab thanked him and staggered away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.
Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table.
The man said, "I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie."
.. A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says,
"Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
Found that at Bad Pun Jokes - my favorite kind of joke
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Q. What did the necktie say to the hat?
A. You go on ahead, I'll just hang around.
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Man gets a new tie for his birthday, but after a few days takes it back to the shop. The assistant asks him what's wrong with it and the man replies.
Happy Funny Bone Monday! First off, business up front.
I challenged my children to do or not do certain things this summer. To better them. They challenged me back. Challenges were accepted all the way around. They challenged me with staying off the computer all but two hours a day. So. I'll only be posting the Funny Bone Mondays this summer. We'll return to our regular programming in the fall.
That said, today's FBM is all about the senior citizens. I'm smocking again, making a gown for a friend's soon-to-arrive granddaughter. It occurred to me that I'm no longer smocking for friends' babies, but their grand babies. *sigh*
Enjoy.
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An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'
On their way back home , a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money:fifty-thousand dollars!
Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'
Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money and knocked on the door.
'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag of money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'
Sally said, 'No.'
Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'
Many of us "fiftyish" folks are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
A nose ring and bifocals
Spiked hair and bald spots
A pierced tongue and dentures
Miniskirts and support hose
Ankle bracelets and corn pads
Speedo's and cellulite
A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
Bikinis and liver spots
Short shorts and varicose veins
Inline skates and a walker
Thongs and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
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A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye mother!" and felt quite good about himself that he did a good deed and made someone feel happy.
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
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Three old mothers are sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach talking about how much their sons love them.
Sadie says, "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."
Minnie says, "You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."
Shirley says, "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."
