Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Humor Me

My apologies for not having a review ready today. The weekend was quite brutal. Maybe one day I'll bring myself to talk about it.

Because I need a good laugh, I went in search of humor. Here's what I found. I hope you enjoy it with me.

Baked Beans

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction for her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thoughtto herself, " He is such a sweet gentleman, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife,the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.

When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

Blonde Jokes

Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!

A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm as she passed A bus someone asked where did you get that?

The pig replied, "I won her in a raffle!"

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats".

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,

"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

Until I write again ...



Leenie said...

Thanks you, thank you, Flea. I REALLY needed a good laugh today!!

Debbie said...

Flea turns to humor and I put my head under the covers. Your way is better!!

Karen Deborah said...

I had a feeling in the first story that there just might be someone at the table. I howled out loud! Great story.
Having had similar ill effects from sugar free candy I could relate to the fertilizer truck, and the cabbage and a rotten compost pile..... I actually had one of those on superbowl night. We had company and our friend asked if his baby needed a diaper change----blaming that mess on a poor little baby.

Pearl said...

Somehow, I had those corny jokes coming, didn't I?


Thanks, Flea. It was like having my dad in the room. :-)


imbeingheldhostage said...

I'm with Paxie-- I head for the bed, and you? You share silly blonde jokes. Thank you. The world needs more yous. (sending your jokes to my blonde brother now, who will love them!)