Monday, April 25, 2011

Sorrow

A week and a half ago I woke to one of the most frightening things I've ever experienced - vertigo. No slight dizziness for me, thanks. My head was a rubber ball half filled with water. The room refused to be still. A fraction of an inch to left or right was enough to start the ship-in-a-hurricane sensation. I sobbed and sobbed, terrified, not thinking straight. Bizarre. And then I slept for nearly two days.

Then it was over.

It's been a strange week since then. Migraine, some dizziness (the doctor said I may be caught off guard by waves of dizziness for two or three weeks. I chose to disbelieve him and was soundly thrashed for my disbelief), gardening, cooking, work. Life. But sadness came with it all.

Not sadness at a specific event. Just general. Maybe it's a result of too much work and no play making Flea a very dull girl. Whatever it is, it took me by surprise. The trigger, though, was a rash of FaceCrack statuses posted by friends over the weekend.

Several people, between Friday and Sunday, said, "This is the perfect night to watch The Passion of the Christ." I don't know if you've seen it, and I highly recommend it if you haven't, but it's a fairly brutal rendition of the cruxifiction of Jesus. Well done, I think. Painful to watch. I've seen it exactly once. It's been my intention, for several years, to watch it again.

Not anymore.

Seeing the status updates made me realize that I'll probably never watch Passion again, and why. The sorrow that swept through me was utter, devastating. I don't want to condemn or criticize my friends - please understand this is the way *I* feel. Everyone experiences things differently. So don't be hatin'.

The sorrow came when I felt that people were ENJOYING watching the film this weekend. Like seeing it again was a thrill (I hope it's not), or some kind of Christian duty to watch and experience it again. Why on earth would I want to watch someone I love dearly be executed? More than once? Why on EARTH would I want to view my best friend being brutally tortured and put to death? AGAIN?!? Even knowing the ultimate outcome. It just hurt. I know that the end, Good Friday, was not the end. I know that Jesus is alive. But I don't want to experience the torture and pain visually, repeatedly.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's just where I am right now. Maybe I took the updates the wrong way. I don't know. But please, let me rejoice in the Resurrection, not the agony. It makes me dizzy to think about anything else.

Until I write again ...

Flea

8 comments:

Laura~peach~ said...

we watched it ONE TIME... and BOTH agreed we NEVER want to see it again for basically the very same reasons you state... I had to stay away from facebok this weekend all the stuff i was reading ... sigh... I do so understand.
love n hugs

Leenie said...

I'm with you, Flea. Never watched that one. Even a more gentle version still has to show more than I want to see. I'd much rather remember the joy and promises that come from the empty tomb.

My very best wishes for your finding a solution to the misery of vertigo. And not knowing when/if it will surprise you again has got to be haunting and devastating. SOMEDAY the medical people will find a cure for migraines and all the awful side effects. I hope soon.

Paxie said...

I've only watched once as well. So I agree completely.

I've had vertigo ONCE. I always want to remember the medicine they gave me that stopped it in case it happens again. It knocked me out, but it worked. Of course I can't think of it now.

The world seems to be falling apart right in front of us and we have no control. We need to enjoy each day as much as we can!!

Love you and hope you feel better :)

Coffee Bean said...

Vertigo is something that I get with some regularity. It always hits me first in the middle of the night. I've had some vertigo attacks last several weeks and others just one night. They usually last a couple days and I have to take things very slow in the morning during an attack. I hate vertigo.

I thought about watching the Passion again on Good Friday. I've also only watched it once. We own the DVD. When it came down to it I didn't. Just thinking about it was harsh. So I get it.

Pearl said...

I, too, suffer from vertigo, but not nearly as badly as you describe.

As for the movie, I choose not to watch it. In the same way that I don't watch most war movies, it's not something I want to see. I can read, thank you, and do quite a bit of it and do not want the visual of the producer's vision in my head. It doesn't make you a bigger/better Christian for repeated watchings, viewing a movie being a rather passive way of commemorating such a huge religious event...

I hope you feel better.

Hugs.

Pearl

Mental P Mama said...

If we think it's hard to watch, think about how it was to live it...He did it for us, and we need to remember. I hope you get some relief soon, I now nothing worse than vertigo...it's relentless.

Trisha said...

I am forever greatful that Jesus died on the cross for me but I can't bear to watch it happen so I haven't seen the movie. I can picture it well enough in my head . . . .

Hubby had the vertigo issue not too long ago. It is horrible. Hope it resolves soon!

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. said...

Flea, I cant bring myself to watch it. I heard it was not pleasant but worth watching. Hope you find answers for your vertigo.
<><